"The Fruit And Vegetable War" from Captain N #1

Novelized by Webster Swenson


            It stood in front of them, one of the many mysterious and masterful lands of Mount Olympus, home world of Kid Icarus.

            "There it is, Captain N!" declared Kid Icarus as he and Kevin flew towards it. "Straight ahead - Cornucopia, the fabled island of plenty. It's one of the most beautiful, peaceful places in all of Mount Olympus!"

            Kevin grunted as he struggled to keep his leather and metal flight suit - not to mention himself - in flight. "Glad to hear it, Kid Icarus. I just hope these mechanical wings hold out till we get there." He grunted again as he sputtered and twisted in the air. "I swear, this is the last time I fly tourist class."

            "Don't worry, Kevinicus, I won't let my favorite hero down, heh heh!"

            "Not a good time to joke, Kid."


            Fortunately, the wings did hold out to the island, where a thought occurred to Kevin.

            "So, if this island is so peaceful, what are two heroes like us doing here?"

            Kid Icarus laughed and smiled: "It's simple. We're trying to raise an army to battle the Legion of darkness, right? Well, an army travels on its stomach and cornucopia has everything in the way of food."

            As Kid Icarus giggled and dreamed of what he was soon to eat, Kevin did another unintended turn in the air. As he did, he noticed something flying through the air towards them.

            "Kid, look behind you!" he yelled, trying to get a better view of the creatures nearing them. "Are those some peaceful natives coming our way?"

            Kid Icarus turned and let out a yelp as he noticed their weapons. "Great Zeus! Those are pear-odactyls. They're the air force around here!"

            As soon as he finished speaking, the pear-odactyls were opening fire. "Look out! They're firing grape shot at us!"

            But it was too late: Kid Icarus was hit and falling. Kevin yelled as he noticed him falling but resisted the urge to go after him and leave himself open for fire he prepared his zapper. "Maybe if I fire a warning with the zapper, it'll scare them off." Unfortunately the he didn't notice one of the pear-odactyls coming up behind him. Before he realized it, he was falling towards the ground and the unfriendly patch of sharp rocks accompanying it.

            "Only one chance... I've got to use the jump button on my power belt and make it to that tree." With that said, he pushed the button and made a mid-air change in direction, screaming as he flew through the air and into an apple tree.

            "Now I know how Isaac Newton felt. So far, this place is the pits." In the midst of his bad joke, a group of fruity felons made their approach."

            "Uh-oh. Hi, guys," spoke Kevin in a nervous tone. "Peachy day, huh?"

            "Speak, stranger!" demanded a creature that greatly resembled Atilla of the Huns, "Why do you block the path of Atilla, the Honeydew, General of the Armies of Fruitopia?"

            Kevin wasn't sure whether to laugh or pee his pants in fear and so, with his best and most reassuring smile, he responded: "Well, you see, I just kind of dropped in. My name is Kevin Keene, but here in Videoland they call me Captain N."

            "Captain N?" inquired the honeydew general, "I did not know. This is indeed an honor. Even in this far corner of Videoland, we have hard of your heroic deeds. You must have come here to help us!"

            Kevin, even more confused with this response to his jovial exposition, stuttered - "Well, I..." - as Atilla told the great Captain N of his people's woes.

            "We are at war with the pernicious produce of Vegetania. Last week, they raided Fruitopia and took prisoner our beloved tomatoes. We have sworn to make salad of them!"

            "But why," asked Kevin, "would they take the tomatoes?"

            "They insist that tomatoes are vegetables, and belong in Vegetania! Isn't that the biggest crock of compost you've ever heard? I beg of you, will you help us rescue our tomatoes, Captain N?"

            Kevin rubbed his chin and grinned. "I guess so. After all, that's what being a hero is all about, right? Geez, I thought everybody knew that tomatoes are fruit. Oh, well... on to Vegetania."





            Meanwhile, in Vegetania, Kid Icarus had been brought before King Pumpkin, leader of the Vegetable driven country, on the accusation of being a spy."

            "See here now, Colonel Corn, what's all this rhubarb?"

            "The Rhubarb are all out on field maneuvers, sire. What we have here is a spy."

            "I'm so spy!" yelled Kid Icarus. "I was Kid-napped by two pear-odactyls. But, while their stems were turned, I pulled out my bow and shot them with arrows of affection. While the two of them were pear-ing off, I headed for the ground to get my bearings. That's when these two prospective pickles jumped me! And that's the truth, your ripeness."

            "Release him, you turnip-brains. Don't you realize this is Kid Icarus, first hero of Mount Olympus?"

            Kid fell backwards in the air as he realized that he had missed that obvious point. "Oh, yeah..."


            Soon thereafter King Pumpkin explained what had happened, from a more vegetable-like view, of course, and Kid agreed, as Kevin had, to assist in the situation."

            "Aye aye, sire! Always ready to do my part for justice!"

            "That's what I love about these young heroes, always so willing to fight."

            As Kid flew away, a voice called to the King. "Oh, your majesty--!"

            The pumpkin king jumped and turned to face a purpose vegetable, one of his advisors. "Oh, it's you!"

            "Yes, sire, the Eggplant Wizard, your trusted advisor. Might I a-peel to your wisdom?"

            "Speak, friend of all vegetables!"

            "I know that Captain N has joined with the fruits to oppose us. You must send Kid Icarus into battle against him."

            King Pumpkin pondered his advisor's suggestion for a moment, then nodded. "Yes, if Captain N has joined their fruit-less cause, Kid Icarus will surely fight him!"


            The Eggplant Wizard chortled through his lips and teeth, grinning evilly as he faces away from the King. "By the way, your ripeness, you should get yourself a new toga. That old one is making you look rather seedy. Seedy, get it? Heh, heh!"



            Soon, a battle brewed within the streets of Plentiopolis, home of the Cornucopian farmers. Flames flew high into the air as it was apple against potato, eggplant against grape, and banana against pineapple. From a distance, the leader of the Fruitopians watched.

            "How goes the battle, Corporal Kiwi?"

            "Not to well, General. The enemy sunk two of our banana boats on the sea of Ambrosia, we've run out of cherry bombs and our strawberries are in a jam."

            The general pondered this for a moment as he watched the chaos through his binoculars. "Never fear, our champion is on the attack. Look at him rout those celery stalkers!"


            "Keep shooting, sir. Now, if you could just beat the beets."

            "Gosh, Lt. Lime," said Kevin with a sigh as he let out another shot, "I hope I'm doing the right thing. I thought this was just another adventure, but we sure are doing a lot of damage! Maybe I-"

            Kevin yelped as he jumped in the air in reaction one of Kid's arrows hitting his bottom.

            "Sorry, Captain, but it's for your own good!"

            Kevin immediately felt the effects of the arrow he was hit with. "I'm itching all over! Yow!"

            "It's because of my arrow of itchiness, Cap. It'll keep you busy until you come to your senses. But don't worry, you're still my favorite hero."

            "Kid!" yelled Kevin as he jumped towards the flying child's form, grasping his foot, "You're fighting on the wrong side!"

            "But I'm fighting to protect the poor tomatoes! They belong with the vegetables!"

            "Kid, please... if I really am your hero... trust me. Believe me, tomatoes are really fruit. I learned it in school!"

            "Hmm. We really don't study tomatoes much in Olympian schools. But the Vegetanians seem so sure..."

            "Yes!" said the Pumpkin King as vegetables and fruits encircled the two heroes. "We have it on the best authority that tomatoes are vegetables!"

            "Yeah?" asked Kevin, "What authority?"

            "Why the Eggplant Wizard himself says so!"

            Kevin looked at Kid and gaped. "The Eggplant Wizard?"

            "Nuts to you, and your Wizard, Pumpkin-puss" bellowed Atilla of the Fruitopians, "Everyone knows tomatoes are fruits!"

            As the fruits and vegetables began a battle of shouting, Kevin and Kid Icarus gave thought to the new news.

            "If," said Kevin, "that evil eggplant is behind this war, there must be a really rotten reason."

            "But... why would he want everyone at each other's stem-         -?" Kid scratched his head, then it occurred to him. "Unless..."



            Back in Fruitopia, in the treasure-filled Temple of Fruit, the evil Eggplant Wizard strolled, admiring the golden creations as he neared his destination. "My plan has succeeded beyond my wildest dreams! Here I am in the legendary Temple of Fruit and there, in the statue's forehead, flows the fabled Royal Raspberry. And the guards are all busy fighting in the war!"

            He cackled and began his climb up the giant statue containing the impressive gem. "When Motherbrain sent me here to sabotage the food supply of Mount Olympus, she never guessed I had plans of my own. Once the raspberry is mine, I'll contract all fruits, just as I now control all vegetables. Today, the veggies and fruits..." He gave out a grunt as he lifted himself further up towards the giant jewel. "Tomorrow, trees, flowers, grass... even fungus! Soon I'll dominate all plant life!"

            As his hand reached the gem he giggled evilly to himself. "Boy, wait'll the yuppies see what I charge for a watercress sandwich!"


            "Not so fast, Eggplant Wizard!" yelled a voice that already had become so familiar to the evil eggplant that it sent a chill up his internal structures.

            "No, not you, not now." He gritted his teeth. "Now when my plans are so close to fru-it-shun."


            Moments later, Captain N and Kid Icarus had apprehended the abhorable appetizer and were returning to the battle grounds of Plentiopolis, where it looked as if they hadn't even been noticed as missing.

            "Hold your horse radishes!" shouted Kevin as he pulled the Eggplant Wizard through a warp zone. "The war is over!"

            "It's all this rotten eggplant's fault!"

            Eggplant Wizard smirked. "So I told a little fib. The truth is... tomatoes are fruit."

            With the knowledge of this made, the troops of each side made amends and took the Eggplant Wizard away to be dealt with in a proper garden of law.


            "Sorry I shot you with that arrow of itchiness, Cap! I should have trusted you. From now on I'll try to stem my aggressions."

            "Yeah, and I'll be sure to look before I leaf."

            Both laughed at their equally bad puns and began to walk away from the two mended factions of food, as now was time for celebration - dealing with food supplies could wait until another day.