In her secret lair, within the frightful world of Metroid, the evil villainess Mother Brain asks a burning question of her all-knowing computer mind mirror...

"Metroid Mirror, on the wall, am I the cutest of them all?"
The mirror seemed to gag as it's Pauly Shore look-alike face appeared. "Princess Lana is the cutest chick, you're so ugly you make me sick."
This ticked Mother Brain off. "What do you know, you twerp?!"
The mirror's image stuck it's tongue out, and Mother Brain zapped it. The mirror screamed as the image vanished, and the glass shattered.
Turning away, Mother Brain smiled to herself. "I will be the most beautiful woman in VideoLand!" Looking to Eggy, Mother Brain gave her trademark evil grin. "And you, Eggplant Wizard, are going to help me do it!"
Eggy blinked and turned to face the huge brain. "Uh, me?"
"Yes, of course you!!" Mother Brain screamed. "Do you see any other Eggplant Wizards around here?! You can start by making me an apple!"
"Uh, whatever you say, Mother Brain," Eggy replied as he held up his staff. "Magic words with which I grapple, make this brain a big, juicy apple." A beam flew from the staff, and turned Mother Brain into an apple.
"You idiot!!" Brain yelled. "I don't want to be an apple, I want to have an apple!!!"
Eggplant sighed as he began to sweat. "Cool off, Mother Brain, or you'll become a baked apple. I can turn a princess into a pumpkin, a prince to a ham on rye, turning you back to normal is as easy as apple pie." He cast another beam, which turned Mother Brain into a piece of apple pie. Mother Brain picked him up and shook him around a bit in the air. "Quit messing around!!!"
"Hey, you look pretty tasty, Mother Brain," King Hippo remarked. "Can I have a slice?"
"Shut up and change me back!!!"
Eggy was really worried now, and he swirled his staff in the air. "If you don't turn back to normal in the spell of this magical chant, I'm turning in my wizard's branch because I'm one bad eggplant." Fortunately for Eggy, the third beam changed Mother Brain back, and an apple appeared and bounced off his head.
"That's better." Mother Brain replied. "Now Dr. Wily, I want you to make me a deep sleep potion."
Wily frowned. He didn't like being bossed around by the large cranium. "Hmm..."
"I've got a little surprise for that cute princess Lana." Brain tossed the apple to Wily, and began to laugh.

Later, at the Palace of Power...

Kevin smiled as he spun a large disk of dough on his hands. "I learned this recipe from my Uncle Lenny back in New York. Trust me princess, this is gonna be the coolest thing you ever tasted."
"What makes it different from any other pizza?" Lana asked
"Oh, this is no ordinary pizza," Kevin replied as he spun the dough and put it on the wood. "It's the Triple N Special. N for nuts, necterines, nachos...."
Suddenly, Rush bounded over and grabbed the pizza, running off with it.
"And N for No! Rush, get back here!!"
Lana laughed as Kevin chased the robodog around the kitchen. "First, that's four Ns, and second, I think you better rename it the Robo Rush Special."
"Rush, you come back here with that or I'll make a pizza out of you! Whoa!" Kevin tripped on some of the ingredients that had fallen off, and landed on the ground.
Suddenly, the door tone sounded.
Lana sighed as Kevin continued to chase Rush. "Nobody move, I'll get it." She opened the door, and Eggplant Wizard was there, disguised as a poor person.
"Uh, buy an apple for the pool soul? Only twenty-five cents." Eggy replied.
Lana sighed. "I don't think so. I'm having pizza for lu....." She was cut off as she heard a loud crash, and she looked back to see Kevin corner Rush.
"Go ahead you mechanicalized four-legged little thief!! I dare ya' to eat that!!"
Rush decided to call Kevin's bluff, and did, burping as he finished the pizza.
"On second thought," Lana quickly said. "That apple is beginning to sound pret-ty good." She paid Eggplant Wizard and closed the door.
"Sorry about that, princess." Kevin said, indicating Rush.
Lana waved her hand at him. "Don't worry about the pizza, Kevin. I just bought my lunch." She took a big bite of the apple, then suddenly, her eyes went wide. "Kevin!" She collapsed, and a Warp opened, sending Lana in, and it disappeared
"Princess!" Kevin yelled.
"Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!!"
Kevin looked to see Mother Brain's image appear, and he snarled. "Brainiac!! What have you done to the princess?"
"What's the matter?" the deranged brain asked. "Don't you like fairy tales? You remember this one. The beautiful princess eats the poisoned apple and falls into a deep sleep," she paused, and pointed at Kevin. "And the handsome prince, ha, I suppose that's you, has to wake her out of the spell."
Kevin smiled. "It's also the one where the prince destroys the ugly witch, isn't it?"
Eggy got in the picture and nodded. "That's the one!"
Mother Brain growled at the veggie wizard. "Shut up, you mental midget!!" Mother Brain yelled, and she blasted Eggy with a shot at his rear, sending him flying into the air. "You'd better hurry, Captain N! The princess is in Castle Ironspire, and if she isn't awakened before midnight, she'll sleep forever!! Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!!"

"Simon, what are you doing?" Link asked the CastleVanian vampire hunter.
Simon smiled as he put up a covered portrait. "I'm adding another painting to the royal portraits. They obviously forgot the most important one." He unveiled it, and it had his concited mug on the canvas. "Beautiful, isn't it?"
Megaman frowned. "I think it's slightly crooked."
"Really?" Simon replied, and he moved in to adjust it, but the stepladder slipped and he fell off with the picture in hand. "Oh! Ow!" The vampire hunter landed on the ground, his head through the canvas. "I've been framed!"
Just then, Kevin ran in, a distressed look on his face
"What's the matter, Kevin?" Kid Icarus asked.
"Mother Brain put a sleeping spell on the princess." Kevin explained. "She's been warped to Castle Ironspire."
"Castle Ironspire?!" Megaman replied. "But that's on Excalibur, the land of Wizards and Warriors!"
"I know," Kevin responded. "But we've gotta get her out of there."
"Did you say sleeping spell?" Simon asked. "Like the kind where the beautiful princess has to be kissed by a handsome prince to wake her up?"
Kevin gave the man a puzzled look. "Yeah, so? They're practically a dime a dozen in the fairy tales."
"I don't know how to break this to you Captain N...." the vain man replied. "Well, actually I do, but the fairy tale rule book is quite clear on these matters. I am the handsomest, so I must find the princess and kiss her."
Link, Megaman, Kevin and Kid all groaned. Simon's vainity had no end in sight. "There's no time to argue," Kevin replied. "I need all the help I can get. Kid, you, Link, and Megaman stay here and guard the palace."
"Aye aye, Mon Capitan." Kid replied.
Kevin let out a loud whisle. "Rush, get your titanium butt in here!"
The robodog slowly walked in, and a hiccup came out of him.
"Serves you right for eating the whole thing," Kevin remarked. "Come on, we're goin' to Excalibur." Kevin jumped in the Warp, and Rush followed.
"Wait for me!" Simon yelled, and he jumped into the Warp.

Across the vastness of VideoLand, on the mystical world of Excalibur...

"Get this off!" Simon called as he struggled to remove the portrait. Kevin grabbed the frame of the portrait, and yanked it off. "Whoa."
"It's been a while since I've played this game." Kevin remarked. "I think that's the way to Castle Ironspire. Come on, Rush."
Rush jumped into Kevin's arms, and Kevin used his Glove's pad to jump down the branches of the tree. "Get the lead out Simon!"
"Show off. Simon Belmont can climb trees as well as any teenager with a Power Glove." Just as he said that, Simon sliped and bounced on the branches, landing flat in a mud puddle. "Ouch!!" Simon lifted his head out of the mud, and smiled. "If you're a good boy, I may teach you that trick someday."
"Hah, I look forward to it." Kevin replied.
Simon fell back down, not in a good mood.
Kevin jumped on the stumps, and Rush followed. Simon swung by with his whip.
"So long, Captain N." Simon said as he stopped on a branch. "Looks like I'll be seeing her loveliness before you. And when I do, I'll give her a great," A werewolf dropped in next to him. "Big...." Simon makes kissing motions, and the werewolf howled. Simon grapped it and kissed it. He then opened his eyes and the wolf howled angrily. "Aaahhh!!!" The wolf clawed at him, and Simon ducked, but the claw hit his backpack and objects dropped from it.
Kevin saw several items fall from above. "Simon, what's going on up there?"
Just then, Simon dropped upside down, but hung there.
"Nothing to worry about. Just a werewolf!"
The werewolf prepared to claw Simon, but Kevin blasted it and it became a gem.
"It was just an illusion," Kevin replied as he examined the gem. "Just like most everything in this crazy world. Probably whipped up by Malkill."
"It might have been an illusion..." Simon said as he thought. "But it kissed like a werewolf."
"We'll need as many of these gems that we can get our hands on." Kevin said, rather off the subject.
Simon untied his whip and fell in the water. "Ah ha!!" he said as he climbed out of the water. "I should've known you were in this for the money."
"Don't be a Manson groupie. We have to have something valuable if we're going to bribe the guard at Castle Ironspire."
"The only thing Simon Belmont needs is brains, and I've plenty of those right here." Simon replied, tapping his head as an example
"Amzing how they can fit inside that head of yours." Kevin said, rather sarcastically. "Come on! We're losing time."
"If I'm going to get to the princess first, I'll need to make sure Captain N is unavoidably detained." Simon said to himself.

As Simon Belmont plots an advantage for himself, the evil sorceror Malkill makes plans of his own...

"Yes, this one will do." Malkill said to himself. "I won't have any trouble manipulating his feeble mind." He walked over to get a skull, and went over to another table and opened the fleshless head. "Powder frog brain, a jelly rat corpse, hurry now, to the deadly Dwarf Warp." He laughed as a frog jumped out, and the frog went into a Warp.

The frog came out of the Warp in the forest, and Simon held his hand up to Kevin. "Stand back. Simon Belmont will take care of this deadly beast." He reached into his backpack and pulled out a golf club.
"Hold on, Simon." Kevin replied. "Don't you think that's the wrong weapon for the job?"
The vampire hunter looked at the golf club, and nodded. "You're absolutely right, not strong enough." He tossed the club over his shoulder, reached back into his backpack, and pulled out a large shoulder mounted fusion cannon. "Now this is the right weapon!!"
Kevin groaned as he slapped his face. "Get real, will ya' Simon?!" He pushed Simon away from aiming, and the man fell back, the cannon firing off as the weapon aimed straight up.
Rush sniffed at the frog, and it changed into a green key.
Kevin looked at the key with a suspicious glance. "It's a magic key. It looks just like the one that opened the door to the next level, but there's something weird about it."
"That's nothing for you to be concerned about." Simon said as he grabbed the key, and pushed Kevin back.
"Huh?" A door appeared and opened behind him in the path he was going, and he fell in. "Simon! No!" Rush ran up as Kevin dropped down and grabbed a root.
"I'm doing this for your own good, Captain N." Simon replied. "Rescuing princesses is a man's job." Rush growled as he fixed his hair. "Oh, do shut up."
"Simon, wait! It's a trap!" Kevin called out. "There are no green keys in Wizards and Warriors!!"
"Ah ha." Simon said as he saw a house with a green door. "That's what I've been looking for. A green door, a green key." He put the key in the door, and the door opened. Only a mental dwarf wouldn't be able to figure out this is the door to the next level. Yoo-hoo. Anyone home?"
"Nobody but us mental dwarves," came a voice from the floor, and a walking pile of slime warped in from the floor. "Slip me five, dude."
"Eww! Slime! " Simon yelled as the slime man slapped his hand.
"That's me. I'm Slimey."
A snake-man jumped on Simon. "And this is Snakey."
A bunch of smoke formed a smoke-man. "And that's Smokey."
Smokey ran around Simon, letting off smoke and causing Simon to cough.
A skeleton entered. "And Boney..."
A guy with a giant pair of smiling teeth jumped out of a wood bucket. "And Toothy..."
A big bee-man came out. "And Stingy..."
Simon got stung in the neck. "Ooh!"
The walls fell apart as a big guy entered the room. "And last, but definitely not least, is Tiny."
Simon looked at the man, and gasped. "Tiny?!!"
"We're the seven Warp Dwarves, and you must be lunch!"
They all cheered as Tiny put Simon on a table and held him there.

As Captain N and Simon Belmont face untold dangers back on Excalibur, Megaman and Kid Icarus stand guard at the Palace of Power...

"Do you think Kevin and Simon have found her highness yet?" Kid asked. Link had left after getting a call from Hyrule about a matter that needed his help.
"I hope so. I've got a feeling something really bad is about to happen." Megaman replied.
The TV was all fuzzy for a bit, then "attention" display as Eggplant Wizard was then shown with "News" next to him.
"We interrupt this program to bring you a special eggplant bulletin." Eggy said. "The Palace of Power is under attack."
"What's he talking about?" Kid said. "There's no one here but us."
"That's what you think." Suddenly, Eggplant and and King Hippo jumped out of the TV.
"Wha?!! How did you do that?!" Kid yelled.
"With Dr. Wily's newest invention," Eggy replied. "The TV Warp remote control."
"Let me at him!!" Megaman yelled as he ran at King Hippo, who stopped him with his glove. "Let me go, or I'll kick you in the groin!!!" He tried to do that while being held in place, without any success.
"Yeah, and I'm gonna give ya' a mega belly bump!" Hippo slammed his stomach into Rock, and sent the Blue Bomber over the table.
"All right you freak of nature," Kid said as he flew up. "You're gonna regret messing with my family!!"
"I'm gonna mess with you first," Eggy replied, and he made his staff a tennis racket and hit Kid Icarus over the table. "And now, for my Macintosh backhand." He got out two apples as Megaman and Kid Icarus stood up.
"Hey!" Kid yelled as an apple hit his mouth, and he fell asleep as the Warp opened under him.
Eggy backhanded an apple at Megaman, but the apple had no effect on him. "Wha?! You should be out cold!!"
Megaman smiled as he took another bite of the apple. "First lesson about me. I'm a robot, food potions don't work on me!!"
Hippo slammed into Megaman and sent him into the Warp, getting the same result as if he had fallen asleep.
"This is Eggplant Wizard calling big Mama Brain. Mission accomplished."

"Eh, eww, the only thing I hate more than spiders are giant spiders!" Two spiders descended, and Kevin kicked at the spiders. "Think, Kevin, think. It's been two years since you last played this game. What would you do if you were sitting on your TV now playing Wizards and Warriors? Duh, you'd probably lose!" He swung around and managed to jump high past the spiders. Reaching the door, Kevin shoved Rush through, and shut the door just as the spiders were coming. "Man, I've never pulled a stunt like that on the old tube. Not bad, huh?"
Just then, Lana appeared. "Kevin! It's horrible. Please, come quickly!" As she said those words, Lana suddenly vanished.
"Lana! Come on, Rush!"
Kevin sighed. "Great, Lana needs help, and so does Simon."

At the house, Simon was tied up and the dwarves were ahving a blast with him. Toothy bit Simon's leg as Tiny sucked in the rope. Just then, Kevin kicked the door open, Glove charged and ready to fired away.
The dwarves looked up at him.
"Hey guys, it's a showdown. We love showdowns." Slimey remarked, and they all moved to face Kevin.
"It's only fair that I tell you," Kevin said. "I'm the fastest Glove on either side of the Barrier."
"Oh yeah?" Slimey replied. "Well it's only fair that we tell you..." They all flashed and now had cowboy clothes on. "We're the magnificent seven!! Warp dwarves, that is."
Simon fell off the table as the dwarves encircled Kevin. Kevin moved right with the pad to dodge a blast, and Boney got hit, turning into a gem. Tiny fired at Kevin, and the Game Master jumped over it, and it hit Smokey, who became a gem. Slimey fired at Keivn, and the human jumped it with his Glove's pad and it hit Stingey and Tiny who become coins.
"Simon, don't just sit there like a Thanksgiving turkey, give me a hand!!"
"Yes," Simon replied. "Well, I'd love to, but I'm tied up at the moment." Kevin blasted the ropes and Simon got up as he stood on his feet. "Much better."
He walked over to Toothy and Snakey. Toothy walked behind Simon, and the CastleVanian got his whip and wrapped it around the beam and the two dwarves shot each other and became valuables. Simon landed and blews on his whip as Slimey walked out behind Kevin.
"Ha! I got you now, tall person!"
Kevin put his hands up. "We know when we're licked, don't we Rush?"
Rush smiled and ran over to Slimey, licking him.
"No! Ooh! Hey! Careful with my slime!" He melted and became a pile of valuables as Rush backed away.

After their treacherous journey, Captain N and Simon reach the sinister Castle Ironspire.

"Halt!" the guard yelled. "No one enters Castle Ironspire and lives."
"But we're prepared to pay." Kevin replied.
The guard shook his head. "I don't accept credit cards."
Oh, okay. Then I guess you don't want any gold and jewels." He and Simon hefted up the bag for the guard to see.
"Well, why didn't ya' say so? Go right in and make yourselves at home." He stood aside with his payment, and the two walked in.
"There isn't much time left, come on!" Kevin said, and they ran up the stairs. "Princess!"
They arrived in the room where Lana was sleeping, and Kevin looked at the clock.
"It's almost midnight, I've got to kiss her quick." He kissed her on the cheek, but nothing happened.
"Ha!" Simon laughed. "You couldn't wake up a frog with a kiss like that." He whipped out his comb and smiled. "Let a real man show you how it's done."
Kevin shook his head. "You look great. Now kiss her already, will ya'?"
Simon sneered at Kevin, and did, but still, nothing happened.
"I don't get it. It's not working."
Simon frowned. "Maybe it's my breath."
Rush whimpered and licked Lana's hand.
"Oh, it's no use. She's just not waking up." Kevin then looked at the clock. "It's too late."
"Ah ha ha ha!! You can't wake up the princess, you fools!!"
Kevin spun around and growled. "Mother Brain!" But you said all we had to do is kiss her!"
"Yes," the vain brain said. "Wasn't that romantic? I lied of course!!"
Just then, Malkill's image appeared.
"Malkill. I shoulda known you were part of this!!" Kevin yelled at the wizard.
Malkill smiled. "Your lovely princess is in the Nightmare Zone. And all you have to do to rescue her is have a bite. But be careful, because in the Nightmare Zone your worst nightmares will come to haunt you." He laughed as he let his words sink into Simon's mind.
"And the price for failure is never waking up!!" Mother Brain added as she and Malkill faded away.
Simon got an apple, and a worm popped out. "No way am I eating one of these things."
"Do what you want," Kevin shot back. "I'm going after the princess!" He took a bite of his apple and got warped out.
Rush bit one, and follow Kevin.
"I can't let Captain N rescue the princess. It'll ruin my reputation." Simon said to himself, and he looked at the apple. "Oh well, maybe just a little bite." The worm popped out and bit his nose before he could bite the apple. "Yeow!"

"The fools. Don't they know an apple a day keeps the N-Team away? Ah ha ha ha ha!!!"

"No," came Lana's voice. "Stay away Kevin!"
He found Lana, and she turned around, revealing Mother Brain's face!
"I turned into a monster. I'm too horrible to look at!!" She put her hands over her face to hide the evil face.
No! Lana, it's not real, it's just an illusion!!"
Lana looked up, and her face was normal again. "Oh, Kevin."
"Don't worry, princess. There must be a Warp around here somewhere." He looked around and saw a door with light shining out from the edges. "There's a light over there." He opened the door, and stared at the other side.
"Where are we?" Lana asked.
"It's my bedroom," Kevin replied. "But that's impossible, everything's still anime, and there's even more here than there should be."
"Kevin, I thought I told you to clean up your room," came the familar voice of his mother.
Kevin shrugged and picked some shirts up off the floor. He opened his closet door, and a lot of stuff fell on him "Ow! I don't remember putting this much junk in my closet."
Rush put some shoes under the bed, but the shoes and other footwear walked out and laughed. Kevin opened his dresser doors, and clothes came flying out.
"Not the dresser, too!" Kevin yelled.
"I don't get it, Kevin." Lana said. "How could someone so organized in VideoLand be so disorganized in his own bedroom?" She dropped a can into the trash bin, and the can jumped back out along with other things.
"That's just it, I'm not." Kevin replied. "Wait a minute. That's it. Maybe I can blast this junk away." He fired at some of the things, but nothing happened, and they contiued to fly around. "This dream is nuts! Let's get out of here!"
Just then, all the junk formed into a monster, and Kevin shut the door. "Whoa. That was too gross."
"We've got to find a Warp out of this world!"
Kevin nodded. "I second the notion."

Meanwhile, at a stage, Simon walked onto the platform.
"Ha. I knew there was nothing to worry about. This isn't such a nightmarish place." Suddenly, a spotlight shined on him.
"And here he is, ladies and gentlemen. There's our next contestant in the Mr. VideoLand Universe; Simon, the body, Belmont!"
Simon's upper clothes flew off his body, while his backpack remained. He flexed for the "audience", smiling. "Nightmare, smightmare, this is one terrific dream! Hmm... Sounds like something's leaking. Huh?" He looked at his arms, and saw that they were loosing the muscle. "Yipe!" Then his teeth flew out of his mouth. "Not my beautiful teeth!"
Just then, his face was covered in pimples, and Simon gasped with horror. "AH!!! Look at me! Simon Belmont's never had a pimple!" As if to add to the insult, his hair flew out of his head. "No! Get back where you belong you stupid hair!" The crowd laughed at him, and he looked in the mirror! "Aaaahhh!!!!. I'm... I'm... Disgusting!! Yah!!" He ran away, then smacked into Megaman, who was covered in ice, and Kid Icarus had bruises all over him. "What a horrible dream I had."
"Me too. I dreamt my crossbow attacked me." Kid replied.
"And I dreamt Frostman gave me a m-m-m-mega dose of his I-I-Ice Wave." Rock added.
"There you are!" Kevin yelled as he and Lana ran over.
"You found her highness!" Kid Icarus exclaimed.
"Now we can leave this ultra nightmare!" Megman said.
Lana shook her head in dismay. "We've checked everywhere. There isn't a single Warp in this world."
"Mother Brain may be right," Kevin said. "I think we may be stuck here forever."
Simon growled at Kevin. "This is all your fault!! If you hadn't made me eat that rotten apple, I never would've entered this sleepless nightmare!!"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a minute. I just figured something out. There has to be a Warp into and out of this world. We woke up in this world by going to sleep in the real world..."
"So, if we go to sleep in this world, we might wake up back in the real world." Lana concluded.
"Then again, if I'm wrong, we could wind up in a worse nightmare." Kevin replied.
"I don't care!!" Simon yelled. "I'll do anything to get my looks back!" He lied down and got a teddy bear out.

Later, at the Palace of Power, Mother Brain and her evil comrades celebrate their ill-gotten victory.

"To Queen Mother Brain!" Malkill annouced.
Eggy and Hippo nodded. "Hip hip, hooray!"
Wily growled, not wanting to join in the party.
Just then, the door tone went off.
"Uh, someone at the door." He walked over and opened the door. "Uh, who's there?"
A short man pulling a cart was standing there. "I bring a gift to the new ruler of VideoLand."
"Hey, look everybody! A gift from our humble subjects!"
Suddenly, Kevin and the others jumped out.
"Guess again, veg head!!"
"The N-Team!!" Mother Brain yelled.
"Correct on the first guess, Brainiac!!"
Kid Icarus fired an apple, and King Hippo ate it, falling onto Wily.
"Foolish humans. I've got to teach you a lesson!!" Malkill yelled
"And I've got an apple for the teacher!" Lana replied, and she threw one at Malkill. He ate it, and collapsed into a deep sleep.
Kevin smiled as he juggled apples in front of Mother Brain.
"Ha! I'm surrounded with glass! Your apples can't hurt me!"
Kevin threw the apples up, and smiled. "Who said anything about solid apples?!" He fired as the apples fell back down, and white juice soaked into Mother Brain's tank, her green liquid turning white.
"Apple juice?!! No!!"
All the evil ones flew into a Warp as the sleeping spell took over, sending them to the Nightmare Zone.
"That should give them nightmares for a while." Kevin remarked.
"VideoLand owes you another debt of gratitude, Captain N." Lana replied.
Kevin shrugged. "That won't be necessary, princess. But there is one thing."
"What's that?"
"Well, I was kind of disappointed when I didn't get to wake you up with a kiss." Kevin answered.
"Well, I'm glad you never got the chance, Kevin." Lana replied, and she kissed him on the lips. Pulling away, they both smiled. "Because I'd much rather get kissed while I'm awake."
'That's not fair!!" Simon yelled. "I came to your rescue too! Where's my kiss?!"
Rush barked and jumped up, and started to lick Simon as the others laughed. "Ah!! Poison!"


Copyright 1999 by Chris Blair