Captain N:

Mr. and Mrs. Mother Brain

Written by Jeffrey Scott

Novelized by David Hartline


In a desperate effort to bring harmony to Videoland, Princess Lana has invited Mother Brain to the Palace of Power to sign a treaty of peace.

A beautiful morning had dawned at the great Palace of Power.  Within the conference room, Kevin knelt before his dog, Duke, and rubbed his head.  The Game Master was definitely in high spirits this morning.  “We’ve done it, Duke,” he said.  “Peace in Videoland, at last!”  The dog suddenly leapt up, placed his forepaws on his master’s shoulders, and licked his face.  Kevin laughed lightly.  Lana approached them, and Duke looked up and barked at her in a friendly manner.

“Mother Brain will be here any minute,” Lana said to Kevin.  “Is everything ready?”

Kevin stood up, eliciting a frown from the ever-vain Simon Belmont.  “I think. . .” Kevin began, but then Simon shoved him out of the way, causing him to fall on the floor.  Simon wasn’t about to pass up an opportunity to show off.

“It’s all here, Your Adorableness,” Simon said with a curt bow.  He removed a scroll, tossed it in the air, and caught it.  Then, he unfurled it in front of the table.  “The official document, awaiting your beautiful signature,” then he caused a pen to fly up from one of the ink wells on the table, and he caught it smoothly in his right hand and showed it to her, “the official pen, awaiting the delicate grasp of your lovely fingers,” then he laid down the pen and grasped all six of the ink wells, “and the official ink wells!”  He juggled the wells expertly.  Unfortunately, a certain dog named Duke barked at him and broke his concentration, and one of the ink wells crashed onto the vampire hunter’s head!


Meanwhile, a short distance from the Palace. . .

Dr. Wily, Eggplant Wizard, and King Hippo were manually carrying their “magnificent” ruler like some sort of sultan.  Four handles were protruding from her tank; two were pointed backwards, and two were pointed forwards.  Wily had the front right handle, Eggy had the front left handle, and Hippo had both of the back handles.  The three minions grunted as they bore the heavy Mother Brain’s jar towards the Palace.  She had a white curtain completely encircling her jar.  “Princess Lana is a fool to think I’ll accept peace on her terms,” the evil brain said.  She took out a handheld mirror and gazed into it.  However, as soon as she did this, the mirror began cracking.  “The only ‘peace’ I’ll accept is a piece of Videoland,” suddenly, the mirror broke, surprising her, “a very big piece!”  She laughed heinously as they neared the Palace gates.


In the target practice room of the Palace, Kid Icarus was firing off arrows.  He didn’t believe for a minute that Mother Brain was serious about peace, however Lana felt about the matter.

“Why are you taking target practice, Kid Icarus?” Mega Man asked curiously.  “We are at peace.”

After preparing one arrow, Kid Icarus looked down behind himself at the small android.  “I need to be ready in case Mother Brainicus is planning another trick,” he told his friend.

Simon Belmont entered the scene.  However, he was unaware that he had stopped just in Kid Icarus’s line of fire because he was too busy gazing into his handheld mirror and combing his hair.  After he had admired himself and primped sufficiently, he put his mirror and comb away, but suddenly, a red arrow flew straight into his hair!  This surprised him, and then he got angry.  “Hey!” he shouted at Kid Icarus.  He walked over to the small archer.  “Watch where you’re shooting those things!”  He grabbed the arrow from his hair and tossed it to the floor.

“Sorry, Simonius,” Kid Icarus said apologetically.  “I can’t seem to hit the bull’s eye today.”

Simon held up his right hand.  “Here, let me show you how a skilled archer does it,” he said as Kid Icarus handed him the tiny bow.  He took a red arrow with a heart-shaped point from Kid Icarus’s quiver, and he strung it and prepared to shoot at a target.  (Of course, he was holding the bow in his right hand and drawing back the arrow with his left, which was completely wrong for a right-handed archer such as Simon, but not for the ambidextrous Kid Icarus.)

“Stopicus!” Kid Icarus cried.  “That’s my love-at-first-sight arrow!  When you shoot someone with it, the first person they see, they fall in love with.”

As Simon regarded the arrow, he suddenly realized that this was his opportunity, and he was too ignorant of the danger to pass up this opportunity.  “This is just what I need to make Princess Lana fall in love with me,” he said.  Kevin would trouble him no longer.  He turned to Kid Icarus.  “Would you mind if I borrowed this for a minute?”  He didn’t even wait for the archer’s answer, but returned quickly to the Palace’s entry hall.

For his part, Kid Icarus was shocked.  If Simon missed and shot the wrong thing, the results could be disastrous.  “Simonious!” he called urgently.  “Wait!”


In the entry hall of the Palace of Power, the trumpeters of the Royal Band were playing a lively fanfare for Princess Lana.  As they played, the doors opened to admit Mother Brain and her servants, and Kid Icarus, Mega Man, Princess Lana, Captain N, and Duke walked towards the door to greet the guests.  However, Simon was trying to stay hidden.  He hid behind one of the large lavender plants.  He split it at its middle, and looked through at Lana and the rest of the team.  Lana and Kevin were both quite surprised to see the kind of style in which Mother Brain was making her entrance.

As Dr. Wily, Eggplant Wizard, and King Hippo brought Mother Brain into the Palace of Power, Simon prepared the bow and the precious little love arrow.  “You shall soon be mine, my little princess,” he said.

Mother Brain’s minions set down her jar, to the trio’s great relief.  Eggplant Wizard took in his right hand a cord hanging from the top of Mother Brain’s curtain.  “All those present shall bow to Her Royal Magnificence, Mother Brain!” the vegetable sorcerer proclaimed.  He pulled the cord, and the curtain opened, revealing the evil Mother Brain, who stared down at the astonished N Team.

Simon chose this moment to strike.  He pulled back the arrow, aimed, and shot.  However, the arrow flew right past Lana and struck Mother Brain’s jar, above and to the left of her face.  It deflected off and went up to the ceiling, where it deflected off a chandelier.  Then it deflected off the wall behind Simon and found its new target:  his rear end!  “Yow!” he cried, sealing his eyes and jumping out while holding both hands on his injured bottom.  When he opened his eyes again, the first person they focused on was none other than Mother Brain herself.  The arrow went to work immediately.  “Mother Brain?” he asked quietly and with infatuation.  He smiled eagerly, and his heart seemed to pop out of his chest with excitement.  As he continued to gaze at her, each of his eyes seemed to take on a heart shape.  “My little princess!”

“Attack!” Mother Brain commanded suddenly, to the surprise and dismay of the N Team.  Dr. Wily pulled a lever on the base of her tank and went swiftly behind her.  The tread of an army tank appeared underneath her, and two large guns popped out the front of her tank to her right and to her left.  Then, two similar guns came up out of the tank on either side of her, and she fired a shot at the N Team.

“It’s a double cross!” Mega Man cried.  The N Team dodged the blast.

Kevin and Lana were quite concerned about Simon, who was walking towards Mother Brain as if in a daze.  “Simon, what are you doing?” Lana asked.

Mother Brain fired two blasts simultaneously from two of the guns.  “Get down!” Kevin commanded, and all the N Teamsters except Simon did this.  The blasts went right by Simon.

“Get him!” Mother Brain commanded her servants, meaning Simon.  She was quite bewildered by his continued advance.  “Get him!”  Simon crouched as King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard ran towards him; then, as they lunged, he leapt over them and landed in front of Mother Brain, his eyes closed and his mouth in a great big grin.  He walked right up to Mother Brain’s tank.  “Get away from me!” she snapped, drawing her face back.  She extended her left tentacle.

“But I love you, my dearest Mother Brain,” Simon said, taking her tentacle and kissing it.

“Oh, noicus!” Kid Icarus said.  He knew that letting Simon take that stupid love arrow would lead to big trouble!

Everyone else was very confused.

“What’s gotten into Simon?” Lana asked.

Duke whined.

“He’s freaking out!” Kevin exclaimed.

“You can’t fool my super brain,” Mother Brain said.  Nobody loves me.  This is just some kind of trick to catch me off guard!”

Simon looked genuinely hurt.  “Moi?  Trick the most beautiful brain in the world?  Unthinkable!”

“Would you get him, you idiots?” Mother Brain snapped irately.  King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard came up behind Simon as he knelt before her.

“No!” Simon cried.  “Mother Brain!  I can’t bear being separated from you!”  The two minions took him and carried him off.

“In that case, you can stay close by me. . . in a prison cell!” she replied.  “Quick!  Get us back to Metroid!”  With his free hand, Eggy, snapped his fingers and conjured a small head of lettuce, which flew away from him and exploded into some sort of green smoke, leaving behind a warp to Metroid.

“But what about the peace treaty?” Lana asked desperately.

The reply was Mother Brain’s wicked laugh as she backed herself through the warp zone.  Dr. Wily followed the brain through the warp, then King Hippo, who brought Simon with him.  Last and least was Eggplant Wizard.  “Stop!” Kevin shouted.  Duke growled, and just as Eggy went through the warp tear but before he passed through the threshold, Duke grabbed his red cape and anchored him momentarily.  “Hold on to him, Duke,” Kevin ordered as the dog struggled with the vegetable.  Kevin came and pulled Duke backwards, but the strain proved too great for Eggy’s cape, which tore and allowed the sorcerer to escape while Kevin and Duke fell backwards.  “Whoa!”  Kevin grabbed his Zapper and shot the warp, sealing it.

Lana, Kid Icarus, and Mega Man ran over to Kevin and Duke as the two got up.  “I don’t understand it,” Lana said.  “I’ve never seen Simon react that way before!”

“It’s my fault, Your Highnicus,” Kid Icarus admitted without reservation.  “Simonius borrowed my love-at-first-sight arrow to shoot you.”  Lana’s expression indicated clearly that she did not like that.

“Only he shot himself, then looked at Mother Brain,” Mega Man said.

“And if I don’t shoot him with an antidote arrow soon,” Kid Icarus finished, “his love will become permanent!”

“I don’t believe this!” Lana cried.

Kevin also was not too pleased with this situation.  He stepped over to the nervous archer.  “Sounds like you’d better go find Simon and shoot him pronto,” he said, gently poking the small archer in the chest twice with his right index finger.

“But I can’t!” Kid Icarus said with dismay.  “I don’t have an antidote arrow.  The only place to get one is from the old arrow-maker who lives at the top of Mount Icarus.”

“The top of Mount Icarus?” Kevin cried.  “I’ve played the game enough to know that’s almost impossible to get to!”

“You must try, Kid Icarus,” Lana said, “for Simon’s sake, and for the sake of Videoland.”

“I will do my besticus,” Kid Icarus replied.

“Go with him, Mega Man,” Lana said.

Mega Man bowed respectfully.  “Yes, Your Highness.”

As Mega Man and Kid Icarus turned towards the warp to Mount Icarus, Kevin, Lana, and Duke turned away to go towards the conference room.  “I’ve got to go to Metroid and find Simon.”  She gently put her right hand on Kevin’s back near his right shoulder.  “You don’t have to come if you don’t want to, Kevin,” she told him, knowing Kevin probably didn’t want to risk his neck for someone who had been so rude and inconsiderate to him ever since he got to Videoland.

“Hey,” Kevin said.  “It’s either that, or go back home and clean up my room!”  Duke looked up at him and whined.  The dog knew Kevin definitely didn’t want to do that!


Within Mother Brain’s lair on Metroid, Simon was chained up in a doorway.  Each of the four chains was at a right angle to the circular curve of the doorway and was tied either to one of his wrists or to one of his ankles so that he was suspended upright in front of Mother Brain.  Currently, hearts were swimming round his head, and his eyes even seemed to be like hearts.  “How do I love thee?” he said.  “Let me count the ways.  One is for your little button-nose.  Two is for your cute little twinkle-toes.”  Mother Brain had been listening to this kind of obnoxious nonsense for the past half-hour and had grown weary of it, so weary that she yawned when he commented about her “toes”.  But now, she had endured it for too long.  “Three is. . .”

“Enough!” she interrupted sharply.  “I want the truth this time!”  She extended her tentacles, wrapped them around his body at the belly, and pulled him forwards so that he was right in front of her face.  “What is your real plan?”

He grinned.  “All right, I’ll tell you.”  When he paused, one of his upper left teeth glinted in the light.  “My plan is to hug and kiss those cute little wrinkles on your brain!” he said with clear infatuation.  He kissed her jar.  His eyes appeared to turn to hearts with each kiss.  After he had kissed her three times, she let him go, and he snapped back to his original position.

“Aw, this is a trick, Mother Brain,” King Hippo said incredulously.  “No one could possibly love you!  You’re too ugly!”  Two seconds too late, he realized his grievous error and, as his eyes went wide, he covered his mouth with his gloved hands.

“I’m what?” Mother Brain demanded angrily.  She extended her left tentacle and grasped King Hippo about the belly.

“Yow!  Ooh!  Oh!” he cried as she squeezed him and lifted him into the air.  “You’re beautiful!  Uh, no!  You’re gorgeous, uh!  You knock me out!” he finished with a nervous smile.

“I certainly will,” she said, and released him.  The fat boxer cried out.  He did hover for a second, but when he flapped his arms, they didn’t help him fly.  He crashed on the floor between Simon and Mother Brain.

Dr. Wily stepped up to a platform next to the circle where Mother Brain stays most often and tapped on her jar.  “Hello?” he said.

Mother Brain turned to him.  “What is it?” she asked in annoyance.  This had not been her day so far.  However, Wily whispered to her a wonderful plan.  She grinned.  “Yes!  That’s a wonderful idea, Dr. Wily.”  She turned back to Simon.  “How would you like to prove your love for me, you fine thing?” she asked him.

“Oh!  I cherish the thought,” Simon said with delight.

“Good!  All you have to do is help me capture Castlevania.”  She extended her tentacles and snapped both of the chains holding Simon’s arms, and the enamored vampire hunter fell to the floor.

He brought his hands together and looked at her with growing infatuation.  “Your wish is my command, you radiant, pickled brain, you,” he said.


Meanwhile, back at the Palace of Power. . .

Kevin, Lana, and Duke were in the conference room.  A map of central Videoland’s warp systems was on the screen, identical to the one Simon had deployed earlier when the vampire hunter intended to find the warp to Metroid but instead found the warp to Kongoland.  Kevin pointed to the correct warp for Metroid.  “The most reliable warp zone to Metroid is right here,” he said, but suddenly, the map disappeared from the screen, replaced by the face of a man with small, goggly glasses, a green alpine hat, a huge chin, a white mustache, and white, bushy eyebrows.

The man was frantic.  “Your Highness,” he said to Lana, “Castlevania is under attack by Mother Brain!  The townspeople are being imprisoned!  Come quickly!!”  He disappeared, and the screen turned off.

“We’ve got to go to Castlevania immediately,” Lana said to Kevin.

“But what about Simon?” Kevin asked.

“He’ll have to take care of himself for a while,” Her Highness replied.  “This way!”  She pointed to her right and led the way to the proper warp.  Kevin and Duke followed.  They stopped in front of a circular red door in the wall.  “This door is a warp zone to Castlevania,” she said.  Automatically, the door slid open noisily.  Lana leapt right on in.  Afterwards, Kevin jumped in.  However, Duke was somewhat reluctant to follow.  Kevin’s right hand emerged from the warp, though, and grabbed the dog by his collar and pulled him through the warp with a yelp.  After they were all through, the door closed.


Castlevania was a dark, mountainous land overshadowed by the castle of the Count, for which it earned its name.  It was a world haunted by supernatural evil monsters that fed off all good life.  The warp that Lana had chosen led into a dreary circular room within the castle keep.  The gloomy place all seemed designed merely to haunt the hearts of all but the stoutest of trespassers and make them easy prey for the villainous monsters haunting the place.

Kevin took this all in when he arrived with his two friends.  “This place is sure creepier in person than on my TV screen,” he commented.  He didn’t even notice the large spider that descended onto his left shoulder, for it disintegrated into video dust the instant he turned to face Lana.

Suddenly, they heard cries of suffering.  Lana turned to her left.  “Kevin, look!” she said, pointing at the prison doors.  There were people in the cells, and their hands were at the doors.  They were begging for escape.

“Stand back!” Kevin said, coming up behind Lana.  He went to stand behind her but slightly to her right so that his right arm could go past her and he could zap the doors.  “I’ll zap them free.”

Suddenly, they heard a voice to their right speak to them:  “I wouldn’t do that if I were you.”

The two looked and saw the voice’s owner:  a pale-skinned, black-haired slender man with a yellow tuxedo and pants, a purple tie, and a black cape. . . and, of course, blood-red lips.  “It’s the Count!” Lana cried.

“Your powers don’t scare us,” Kevin said, aiming his Zapper at the owner of the castle.  Lana stood behind him now, and Duke’s fur bristled at the vampire.

“I’m so happy to hear that,” the Count said.  “You know, fear makes the blood taste terrible!”  He spread out his cape, and when he swung the right part of it around himself, he turned into a huge, hideous bat.  He charged at the heroes.

“Kevin!” Lana cried.

As the Count swooped by, he grabbed Kevin’s Zapper with his feet!  “My Zapper!” Kevin cried.  The Count swooped over a circular hole in the floor, a watery warp, and dropped the Zapper into it.  Then, he swooped up into the sky.

“Where’d he go?” Lana asked, looking around as Kevin and Duke looked into the pool-warp.  Suddenly, the bat flew down to her.  She crossed her arms in front of her face and neck so he couldn’t nip her neck.  “Aah!  Get away from me, you bat-breath!”

Suddenly, Simon swung down from the ceiling with a cry.  He landed in front of Lana and whapped the Count out of commission with his whip, and he laughed as he put his whip back where he kept it when not using it.

“Simon!  I knew you’d come to your senses,” Lana said happily.

He looked dreamily upwards.  “Yes,” he said.  “I came to my senses as soon as I realized how much more beautiful Mother Brain is than you, Your Ordinariness.”  Lana had been blushing, but she gasped with shock when he told her this.  Suddenly, he picked her up and carried her over to the pool-warp.  “I think it’s time you took a little trip.”

This alarmed Kevin.  “Simon, no!” he shouted, running with Duke to the pool-warp.  “That’s the warp zone to the Forest of Forgetfulness!”  However, they didn’t get there before Simon had dropped Lana into the warp.  “You traitor!”

Simon went to a door, unlocked it, and swung it open, revealing an animate skeleton within.  It had striped pants that ended just below the knees, a yellow scarf, and a red baseball cap.  “Captain N, meet Mr. Bones,” Simon said.  “Mr. Bones, Captain N.”  Mr. Bones turned around to face Kevin.  The skeleton leaned back and then spat blue fire while laughing at Kevin.  The Game Master used his Power Pad to zip to the right, out of the line of fire, just in time.  Kevin knelt down to his doggie.  “Duke!” he commanded.  “Fetch the bone!”  Growling, Duke leapt forth and grabbed Mr. Bones’s lower left leg and yanked it off.  Screaming, the skeleton fell to pieces and vanished, and all that remained was his red hat, which fell to the floor.  “Way to go, fella!” Kevin said when Duke returned to him with the bone.

Simon took the hat and examined it.  “That was a friend of mine,” he said.  His voice sounded quite calm, but his facial expression indicated that he was quite put out.  He dropped the hat and grabbed his whip, with which he wrapped up Kevin and pulled him towards the warp zone.

“Simon, don’t!” Kevin begged.  Duke grabbed the whip with his teeth, but he was nowhere near as strong as a human was.  “You’re making a terrible. . . mistaaaaaaake!” Kevin cried as Simon pulled him and Duke into the pool-warp.

Simon looked back at a door, which slid open.  Mother Brain, with her tank treads, and her minions were waiting there.  She led her trio of do-badders into the room.  “Well, you luscious lump of gray matter,” Simon said dreamily when she stopped in front of him, “what do you think of your Simon now?”

“I. . . I can’t believe it!” she said, on the verge of tears of joy.  “You really do love me!”  For the first time, she was really happy.

“I not only love you,” he said as she retracted her tank treads.  “I want to marry you!”

“Ooh!” she cried happily.  She turned to her three minions with her normal evil look.  “King Hippo!  Eggplant Wizard!  Doctor Wily!  Prepare the castle for a hundred ghostly guests.”  Her bemused servants looked at each other with incredulous expressions before they went off to do her bidding.  “There’s going to be a wedding!  Heh, heh, heh, heh!”  She smiled at Simon and then looked up dreamily with heart-shaped eyes and puckered lips.

Yes, Kid Icarus’s love arrow had definitely caused a big mess.


And so, Mother Brain and Simon prepared for their “white wedding” in Castlevania.  With Simon seated on the front of her tank, Mother Brain rolled by the castle fence.  King Hippo watched as the castle cook prepared a huge, four-part wedding cake.  King Hippo “inspected” by snatching a piece of the cake and devouring it, but he looked up at the top of the cake and saw the figure of Mother Brain that had been placed there.  This spooked him, and he ran away.  Simon and Mother Brain stopped by the jewelry shop and looked at wedding rings in various sizes, including huge.  Happily, Simon decided, and he and Mother Brain smiled at each other.  Soon afterwards, they strolled down a hall in the castle.  This hall had caskets containing zombies on each side.  Simon happily indicated one with orange hair and a light blue suit and snapped his fingers, and the zombie came alive.  It got up and stepped out of its casket.


On the other side of Castlevania, Kevin and the princess search desperately for the way out of the Forest of Forgetfulness.

Kevin, Lana, and Duke made their way through the dark Forest of Forgetfulness and came at last to a wide canyon.  The walls of this canyon on either side were perfectly straight and at perfect right angles to the ground.  There were, however, windows, lights, and doorways on the walls, as though this canyon were a split between two towers of a castle.  However, the canyon appeared to have no bottom; all that one could see when looking down from the edge was an infinite dark blue sky and some clouds.  As Duke looked down the chasm, he grew dizzy; but Kevin gasped.

“Whoa!” the Game Master exclaimed.  “I’ve played Castlevania before, but I sure don’t remember this canyon.”  He put his right hand to his head.  The forest had affected his memory.  “Come to think of it, I don’t remember where we’re going.”  He turned to Lana.  “Where are we going?”

“We’re trying to get out of the Forest of. . . uh. . . I can’t remember!” she replied.  The forest had caused her, too, to lose some of her memory.  “Say, have you seen Kevin anywhere?”

“What are you talking about?  I’m. . . Kevin.”  He turned to Duke.  “Aren’t I?”  The dog whimpered helplessly, himself unable to remember.  Kevin looked at where the ground ended.  “I think there’s an invisible bridge around here, but I can’t remember where.”  He pointed down in front of him with his left index finger.  “It should be right here,” he hesitated and pointed down to his right, “or maybe here.”  He cautiously extended his left foot and felt for a solid bridge, and he found it right away.  Very carefully, he started to cross.  Lana cautiously followed him onto the bridge, and then so did Duke.


Meanwhile, across the vastness of Videoland, Kid Icarus and Mega Man struggle to reach the summit of Mount Icarus, and the home of Pernicus, the arrow-maker.

As he and Mega Man ascended the tall central mountain of the land, Kid Icarus had to shoot their way through many monsters.  In this world, his arrows were far more effective than Mega Man’s plasma weapon.  Kid Icarus shot an advancing green Mick.  He and Mega Man then went up through a temple-like area, where they were attacked by a slug-like creature whose eye was on some sort of extension from the rest of its body.  Kid Icarus quickly shot this creature, and then another of the same sort.  After the two had jumped up to a high cliff and then back to slightly lower ground, a large Hewdraw appeared and barred their way.  To distract the beast, Mega Man leapt onto its face and in its eyes and stayed there.  The beast was unhappy about this.

Kid Icarus prepared an arrow for the Hewdraw, but suddenly he noticed a Snowman appear on the cliff behind him.  The archer reacted just in time to dodge the ice chunk that the Snowman tossed at him, and before the Snowman could toss another, Kid Icarus had shot him with an arrow.  The Snowman disintegrated and left behind a heart.  Kid Icarus flew up and took the heart, which was absorbed into his body with red energy waves and gave him some additional strength.  He landed in front of the Hewdraw, still struggling uselessly with Mega Man, and shot it with an arrow.  The archer flew over to Mega Man, picked him up by the arms, and carried him upwards.

Finally, they arrived at the home of Pernicus.  Within the house, Pernicus was busy with his arrow-making.  On his bald head, he wore an “arrow” that appeared to go through his head, but there was a yellow curved portion that actually went around his head and touched it on both sides.  He had a blue outfit and white eyebrows, a white mustache, and a long white beard, as well as a long nose.  He picked up a yellow arrow and shot it upwards into the sky.  The arrow returned to him and went in a red circle above his head as Kid Icarus and Mega Man entered the house.  The arrow created a red magical field, and pizza dough was formed above his head.  However, when the arrow finished, it was just sloppy, uncooked pizza dough, and it landed on Pernicus.

“Darnicus!” he exclaimed to himself, wiping off the dough.  “I’ve been trying to invent the pepperoni pizza arrow all day.”

“Helloicus?” Kid Icarus said.

“Go away!” Pernicus snapped inhospitably.  “Can’t you see I’m busy?”

“I need your helpicus, O wise arrow-maker,” Kid Icarus pleaded.  “My friend was shot by a love-at-first-sight arrow, but I have no antidote arrow.”

Pernicus thought.  Love arrows were definitely not something to fool around with, and so he had to help.  He turned to his bin of arrows and looked through it.  “I must have something around here that can help you,” he said.  He withdrew one arrow.  Carelessly, he shot this towards Kid Icarus and Mega Man, and they ducked with a gasp, and the arrow hit the metal wall behind them.  “No, uh, that’s my super grass-grow arrow,” Pernicus said.  Kid Icarus and Mega Man were surprised when grass suddenly grew up around them.  Pernicus took another arrow and shot it upwards.  The arrow stopped at the beginning of the new lawn and transformed. . . into a cow!  The cow began munching contentedly.  “And that’s my cow arrow,” the arrow-maker said.  Then, he took a red arrow and aimed this upwards.  Unlike the other two arrows, though, this one flew in all sorts of crazy curves around the room!  Kid Icarus and Mega Man had to dodge to avoid being hit.

“Hey!” Kid Icarus cried.  “Watch out!  What are you doing?”  The arrow then found its target:  the rear end of the cow!  She turned and saw the arrow-maker, and she got as angry as an enraged bull.  She rubbed the ground with her right front hoof and snorted, and then she charged at Pernicus, who ran.

“That’s it!” he exclaimed.  “My angry arrow!  Just shoot your friend with one of these, but make sure he looks at the same person.”  As Pernicus ran outside to lead the angry cow out, Kid Icarus and Mega Man looked at each other and shrugged with disbelief.  Then, he ran back inside and shut the door, sealing out the cow.  “Whew!”  He walked over to his arrow bin.  “He won’t love her any more.”  He withdrew the three red arrows that were in the bin and turned to Kid Icarus.  “Better shoot straight, though.  I’ve only got three of them!”  He handed the arrows to Kid Icarus, who received them gratefully.

“Thanks a loticus,” Kid Icarus said.  He went back over to Mega Man, who was checking his clock.

“We’ve got to hurry!” Mega Man said urgently.  “There isn’t much time left.”  The pair left Pernicus’s house quickly.


A short while later, back in Castlevania. . .

“I’m getting married in Castlevania, all the ghosts are going to scream; life won’t be the same for Mrs. Mother Brain, so get me to the wedding on time,” Mother Brain sang softly to herself.  While she was doing this, King Hippo was busily buffing her jar clean with a cloth.  She looked to her right and assumed her normal, imperious tone of voice.  “And how are you coming with my gown?”

“Fine, Mother Brain, eh, just fine,” Eggplant Wizard said.

Currently, Mother Brain’s wedding gown was attached to the end of a rope, and Eggy was using this rope fed through a system of pulleys to lower the dress onto its wearer.  As Eggy spoke, Dr. Wily entered Mother Brain’s dreary dressing room and went over to a stepladder.  The evil scientist picked up the ladder and, when he turned to go towards Mother Brain, he accidentally smacked Eggy in the back of the head.  The veggie sorcerer let go of the rope, and as King Hippo stepped back from Mother Brain to observe, the gown fell on top of him, and the pulley that the gown had been roped to fell on the boxer’s head!  “Hey!” the boxer cried.

“Oh, no!” Eggplant Wizard exclaimed.  Dr. Wily walked over to Mother Brain’s jar and placed the ladder up against it, but he didn’t see that his right foot was in a loop of Eggy’s rope.  So, when, Eggplant Wizard picked up the rope and pulled it, the gown did indeed rise up above King Hippo, who was currently on his hands and knees, but the rope caused Dr. Wily to fly across the room, pass between King Hippo and the gown, and crash into Eggy!  Wily and Eggy crashed onto the floor together, and the gown again crashed on the irritated King Hippo.

Mother Brain was annoyed.  “You have exactly one minute to get that dress on me, Eggplant Wizard,” she warned.

Eggy was facedown on the floor, and Dr. Wily was on top of him.  “Y-y-yes, Mother Brain,” Eggplant Wizard stammered.

“Yes, Mother Brain,” Wily said.  They both got up and moved their legs to start running, but then they turned so that they faced each other and ran into each other once more.

Mother Brain sighed and took out her handheld mirror.  “I wonder how my darling Simon is doing,” she said.


Simon was doing much better.  He finished putting on his blue-gray tuxedo, and when he held out his arms, the Count came up behind him and put a cape on him.  “I think the sleeves are a bit too long,” Simon commented.  “Don’t you, Count?”

The Count took Simon’s arm and examined the sleeve.  Then, he chewed off a small piece of fabric, and voilà, the suit fit perfectly.  “There,” the Count said.  “It’s perfect.”

Simon adjusted his bow tie.  “I’m going to have a wonderful family, Count.  Can’t you just picture it?”  He imagined a quaint cottage in the hilly countryside.  Within, he imagined himself and Mother Brain, who was wearing a pink, motherly dress about the bottom of her bottle.  Simon was rocking a series of at least four baby rockers that were all linked together, and within each was a baby version of Mother Brain, and each one had a pacifier and its own jar.  Each brain-baby was hooked up to a central life support system.  They looked both cute and ugly.  “Mother Brain and I, living in a cottage in the country, raising a family of cute little baby brains.”  He returned to the present.  “When they grow up, they’ll all be doctors. . . better yet, brain surgeons!” he finished happily.


Meanwhile, as Kevin and the princess continue across the deadly invisible bridge. . .

When the three passed the middle of the bridge, Duke barked nervously.  “Stay close,” Kevin said.  “I think the bridge goes this way.”

“What if you’re wrong?” Lana asked.

“Then we’ll be getting some free skydiving lessons. . . parachutes not included!”  He continued carefully, but not carefully enough.  “I think we’re going to make it.  Just one more. . .”  Suddenly, his foot hit air, and he couldn’t regain his balance, so he fell off.  “Aaah!”

Lana gasped.  “Kevin!” she cried, but as she came up to where he had begun to fall, she also lost her balance.  “Whoa!  No!”  She fell backwards past Duke.  The loyal dog bent his head down and tried to stop her by grasping the lower part of her dress with his teeth.  He tried his hardest, but he was pulled off with a yip.

As all three fell screaming down the chasm, Kevin pressed the Pause key on his Power Pad and cried:  “Pause!”  Fortunately, this stopped their fall. . . for the moment.

“Oh!  Kevin, you saved us,” Lana said with relief.

But Kevin was still quite worried.  “Not yet I haven’t,” he said.  “This pause is going to wear of any second.”  To his left was a doorway in the castle-like canyon wall, and there was a warp in this doorway.  “If I can press my Power Pad the instant it does, we might make it into that warp zone.”  Duke whimpered worriedly, with good reason.  “But if I can’t, this game’s going to end at the bottom of the canyon.”

Judging the duration of the pause, Kevin pressed his Power Pad at just the right second.  “Kevin!” Lana cried the second they began to fall again.  However, they zipped right into the warp.  They came up through the other end of the warp in the middle of the graveyard a short distance from the castle.

“Wow!  We’re back!” Kevin said.

“I remember now,” Lana said.  “We’ve got to find Simon.  To the castle, quickly!”  They ran to the Count’s castle.


Within the castle’s great hall, the ghoulish organ began to play the traditional wedding entry march, the Bridal Chorus from Wagner’s opera Lohengrin.  Simon and the Count, as well as the ghostly guests were awaiting the entry of Mother Brain.  Three skeletons, done up as bridesmaids, came forward.  “Here comes the Brain,” Mother Brain’s minions sang, “dressed in medrain!”

Dressed in a suit that was a few sizes too small for him, King Hippo rolled the bride down the walkway to the altar.  She had a dreamy look in her eyes as she carried yellow flowers in her tentacles, and a happiness that she had never had before.  Simon laughed quietly in delight.  He blew her a kiss, and when it hit her jar, she grinned and blushed happily.

“Dearly departed,” the Count said, serving as minister, “we are gathered here today to join this man and this brain in marriage.”

Kevin, Lana, and Duke were in the doorway to the hall.  “I don’t believe it,” Kevin said quietly with dismay.  “He’s marrying her!”

“We’ve got to stop him!” Lana said.

“But we can’t,” Kevin replied, “not without the antidote arrow.”

Lana looked down the hall at Mother Brain and Simon.  This situation was an utter disaster.  While he was evil, the Count definitely was licensed to conduct weddings.  “Then we’ll have to slow him down, and give Kid Icarus time to get here!”

Meanwhile, Simon was holding up the large wedding ring.  “Simon,” the Count said, “would you place the rings on her, uh. . . we’ll skip this part.”

Suddenly, everyone heard Lana’s voice from the back of the room.  “Stop the wedding!”  Startled, everyone looked there and saw her and Kevin.  “Simon doesn’t really love you, Mother Brain,” Lana said.

“Yeah,” Kevin said.  With his right index finger, he pointed at his head.  “He’s been fooled by a love arrow.”

Mother Brain looked at her bridegroom inquisitively, and Simon gasped with shock.  “That’s not true!” he exclaimed.  He put his arms around her jar as if trying to hug her.  “I do love her!”

Mother Brain grinned.  She liked his response, but she was understandably upset at the N Team’s presence.  “King Hippo!” she instructed.  “Get rid of those party-crashers!”

“Ha, ha!” King Hippo laughed as he advanced on the N Team.  “All right, big mouth!  Put up your dukes!”

“You heard him, Duke,” Kevin said to his growling dog.  “Up!”

Duke leapt up and grabbed King Hippo’s poorly fit shirt.  “Hey!” the boxer exclaimed.  “That’s my new suit!”  The dog succeeded in ripping the bottom of the shirt.  “Hey!”

“Don’t just stand there!” Mother Brain said to the Count.  “Continue the ceremony.”

The Count lifted up his book.  “Do you, Mother Brain, take Simon Belmont to be your lawful wedded husband?” he asked.

“I do!” she replied with delight.

Suddenly, a hole was made in the back wall from the other side, and Mega Man came in with Kid Icarus and landed in the balcony.  “I hope we’re not too lateicus!” Kid Icarus called.

Lana turned around and looked up.  “Kid Icarus!” she said.  “He made it!”

“Hurry!” Mega Man said as Kid Icarus prepared to shoot one of the angry arrows.  “There’s only thirty seconds left!”  Kid Icarus fired, but the arrow struck the back of Mother Brain’s jar and was deflected away.

“He missed!” Lana said, stating the obvious.

The arrow bounced off the figure of Mother Brain that was on top of the wedding cake, knocking it off and changing course.  The arrow landed right in Wily’s rear end.  “Yow!” the mad scientist cried as he leapt into the air in agony.  The first one his eyes focused on was Eggplant Wizard.  “Boy, am I angry!”

“Buuuut. . . I didn’t do it,” Eggy said nervously as several veggies popped out of him.

Wily reached behind him.  “We’ll see how you like living in the frozen—wheeze!—food section for a while!”  He drew a freeze gun and froze Eggplant Wizard in a chunk of ice.

Meanwhile, Duke had grasped onto King Hippo’s right fist, and the boxer was trying to shake the dog off.  Kevin aimed up and shot the rope of a chandelier, and the chandelier fell right onto King Hippo, pinning his arms to his sides, just as Duke had gotten away.  King Hippo teetered and then fell down.  On the floor, he struggled to break the chandelier.

“Kid, hurry!” Kevin said.  “I can’t hold him off much longer!”

Kid Icarus aimed perfectly for Simon’s rear end and shot.  “And do you, Simon. . .”  Then, suddenly, Simon cried out in pain as the arrow hit his rear end.

“I got him!” Kid Icarus cried victoriously.

But Simon turned around, and the first person he focused on was Eggy!  “Hit me, will you?” the vampire hunter demanded indignantly.

“Buuuuut. . . I didn’t do it,” Eggplant Wizard replied as more veggies popped out of him.  Simon snapped out his whip and smacked Eggy, inadvertently freeing him from his icy prison.

“It didn’t work!” Lana cried.

“I’ve only got one arrow left,” Kid Icarus said, taking out the last angry arrow as Mega Man checked his clock.

“And only five seconds!” Mega Man said, for his chronometer read, “00:00.05”.

Kid Icarus strung his bow and aimed swiftly as Simon returned to Mother Brain’s side.  And what luck!  Just after the Count had said:  “Do you, Simon Belmont, take this lovely lady to be your lawful wedded. . . brain?” Mother Brain picked up the vampire hunter by the tentacles in preparation to kiss him just as soon as he said, “I do.”  But he never got to say it.  Just in time, Kid Icarus shot the final angry arrow, and it soared with perfect precision into Simon’s rear end.  As Mother Brain drew Simon closer to her, the vampire hunter’s face twisted in disgust.

“Are you out of your mind?” he demanded.  “Yuck!  She’s positively disgusting!!”

Mother Brain scowled in rage and presented Simon to the Count.  “Destroy him!” she commanded.

The Count drew his cape before his face and then whipped the cape away while bearing his teeth threateningly to Simon.  “Oh, please,” the vampire hunter begged.  He undid the buttons to his shirt, revealing his blue adventurer’s coat was on underneath.  He then reached his left hand up to his right shoulder, drew the cape off, reached down to his waist, pulled off the tuxedo jacket and shirt simultaneously, and very rapidly managed to fold the shirt, the jacket, the pants, and the cape separately all at once!  He held them up in his left hand and pointed to them.  Then, he simply flipped his hand, allowing them to drop into a very neat pile behind him.  He then drew his whip in his right hand and, with his left hand, made an “okay” sign by making a ring with his thumb and index fingers while pointing the other three fingers straight up.

The Count made threatening gestures, but Simon wasted no time.  He simply swung his whip and tied the surprised vampire about the waist.  “What do you say we go for a spin?” Simon said deviously.  He yanked back his whip.

“Whoa!” the Count cried as he spun like a top and went backwards into a casket.  When he was in, the lid closed, and the casket fell forward so he couldn’t get out very easily.

Kevin was ready with his Zapper.  “The party’s over, guys,” he told the ghostly guests.  He zapped a line in the floor from the right-hand column of pews to the left-hand column.  Suddenly, the floor broke apart, and the spirits all floated away into the air, and they faded away.

Meanwhile, Mother Brain and her minions were making their getaway.  Wily was seated on the front of her tank, while King Hippo was rolling her to the nearest warp, and Eggy hopped behind.  Mother Brain was very displeased at this state of affairs.  “How dare you play games with the heart of a brain!” she cried.  Hippo stopped rolling her just in front of a wall, and a warp opened in front of them.  She and her minions all looked back at the N Team.  “You’ll pay for this. . . all of you!”  Most of all, she was angry with Simon, of course.  She thought he had been responsible for this, and she was right, but not in the way she thought.  King Hippo rolled her swiftly through the warp.  Eggy didn’t notice this until the warp had begun to close, and he followed quickly, leaving behind a trail of veggies.  He entered the warp just before it closed completely.

Mega Man and Kid Icarus came down next to Lana, Kevin, and Duke.  Then, Simon strode confidently over to the group while rubbing his hands together.  “Looks like I saved Castlevania, eh, Princess?” he said, quickly returning to his immodest self.

Lana walked over to him.  “Tell me, Simon,” she asked, “did you really love Mother Brain?”

He indicated himself with both hands.  “Moi?  Love Mother Brain?”  He gave a gesture of dismissal.  “Don’t be ridiculous.  There’s only one person I could ever really love.”  Lana smiled happily and turned away with a blush.  “Me!”

Lana was surprised and shocked.  Her blush disappeared instantly when she looked back at him.  “Huh?”

“Ah!” Simon said, gazing at his reflection in his handheld mirror.  He noisily kissed his reflection, and then grinned stupidly with his eyes closed.  Lana put her hands on her hips in annoyance.  Kevin, Kid Icarus, and Mega Man all shrugged hopelessly, and Duke’s expression indicated that he would have, too, if he had arms.

Simon was definitely back to his old self, and with a vengeance.