Captain N:

Nightmare on Mother Brain’s Street

Written by Jeffrey Scott

Novelized by David Hartline


In her secret lair within the frightful world of Metroid, the evil villainess Mother Brain asks a burning question of her all-knowing Computer Mind Mirror.

As Metroid cruised unmolested through space in its natural orbit, Mother Brain smiled and gently primped her forward brain cells.  Her evil lackeys, King Hippo, Eggplant Wizard, and Dr. Wily, were all gathered to witness what she would do.  The evil brain turned to her Mind Mirror.  “Metroid Mirror on the wall,” she said, and an image of herself appeared on the mirror but did not imitate her mouth movements, “am I the cutest of them all?”

The image of Mother Brain in the Mind Mirror pulled its face back and closed its eyes in thought.  Then, the image replied in a mid-range female voice:  “Princess Lana is the cutest chick.  You’re so ugly you make me sick!”

Mother Brain’s eyes widened in surprise.  No one had the audacity to speak such horrible lies to her!  Her eyes narrowed in anger as she addressed the mirror again.  “What do you know, twerp!?”  The image of herself stuck its tongue out at her, and she promptly shocked the mirror with a jolt from one of her electrodes.  Her image screamed as the mirror exploded.  Her three assistants all trembled as Mother Brain spoke once again.  “I will be the most beautiful woman in Videoland!” she exclaimed.  Then, she turned to face Eggplant Wizard, who was standing in between Hippo and Wily.  “And you, Eggplant Wizard, are going to help me do it.”

Eggy first looked to his left and then to his right.  “M-m-m-me?” he stammered.

“Yes, you!” the brain snapped impatiently.  “You can start by making me an apple!”

“Uh, ah, whatever you say, Mother Brain,” the inept vegetable sorcerer replied.  Hippo and Wily stood clear as Eggy lifted his right hand and conjured his Veggie Wand, the staff he used to cast spells.  “Magic words with which I grovel,” he chanted, “make this brain a big juicy apple!”  He aimed the end of his wand at Mother Brain.  A blue beam laced with white stripes fired from the wand and struck Mother Brain’s face, and her face became a big red apple with eyes and a mouth!

“You idiot!” she yelled.  “I don’t want to be an apple!  I want to have an apple!”

“Cool off, Mother Brain, or you’ll became a baked apple!”  He chanted once more:  “I can turn a princess to a pumpkin, a prince to a ham on rye; turning you back to normal is as easy as apple pie!”  Mother Brain closed her eyes and crossed her tentacles in front of her just before the magic beam from Eggy’s wand hit her again.  However, her face was predictably transformed into a piece of apple pie rather than back to normal!  Furious, she grabbed Eggplant Wizard with her tentacles and shook him up.  In the process, he screamed and involuntarily released various vegetables.

King Hippo grinned.  “Hey!  You look pretty tasty, Mother Brain!  Can I have a slice?” he asked.

Mother Brain threw Eggy down in front of her.  “Shut up and change me back!” she ordered.

Lying on his belly amidst the tomatoes, mushrooms, broccoli, and potatoes he had released, Eggplant Wizard knew the jig was up if he didn’t turn her back to normal this time.  He stood up.  “If you don’t turn back to normal with the spell of this magical chant, I’m turning in my wizard’s badge because I’m one dead eggplant.”  Fortunately, the magic spell turned Mother Brain back to normal.  “Whew!”  Suddenly, a nice red apple fell on his head and bounced to Mother Brain, who grabbed it with her right tentacle.

“That’s better!” she said with a smile.  She turned to face the more reliable Dr. Wily.  “Now, Dr. Wily, I want you to make me a deep-sleep potion.”

“Hm!” Wily hummed thoughtfully just before Mother Brain handed him the apple.

Mother Brain smiled most sinisterly.  “I’ve got a little surprise for that ‘cute’ Princess Lana!”  She laughed quite evilly.


Later, at the Palace of Power. . .

Within the Palace, Kevin and Lana were in the kitchen.  Currently, Kevin was not wearing his letterman jacket, but he did have his yellow shirt.  He wore a white chef’s apron and hat and a red scarf.  “I learned this recipe from my Uncle Lenny back in New York,” he told Lana as he was preparing some dough.  “Trust me, Princess.  This is going to be the coolest thing you ever tasted!”

“What exactly is a pizza?” Lana asked curiously.

“Oh, this is no ordinary pizza,” he said, twirling the dough into a circular shape by spinning it on the index finger of his left hand.  He carefully let it fall onto the cutting board, and it was in perfect shape.  “It’s a Captain N Special!”  As he continued speaking, he dashed some of what he mentioned from bowls on the table onto to the pizza dough.  “N for nuts. . . N for nectarines, N for nachos. . .”  But, as Kevin was sprucing up the pizza dough, his dog, Duke, put his paws on top of the table so he could look at that wonderful-smelling pizza dough.  And boy, did it look good!  Duke licked his chops before striking.  He climbed onto the table, nabbed the pizza, and leapt back off!  “And N for no!!” Kevin cried as he pursued his pet.

Lana just stayed put and laughed.  “I think you’d better rename it the Duke Special!”

Duke ran as Kevin chased him through the room.  “Duke!  You come back here with that, or I’ll make a pizza out of you!” Kevin yelled angrily.  He leapt in an attempt to grab Duke, but it was a blunder.  “Whoa!” he cried as he crashed into the table he had been working.  He fell on the floor, and everything came with him.  Now, he was on the floor, and all the pans and bowls were with him.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.  “There’s someone at the door,” Lana said.  She went to the door and opened it.  “Yes?”

Behind the door was Eggplant Wizard disguised in a hooded robe.  He had even put a little hooded robe on the little eggplant statue on top of his Veggie Wand!  He held up an apple in his left hand.  “Uh, buy an apple from a poor soul?” he asked.  “Uh, only twenty-five cents!”

“I don’t think so,” Lana replied.  “I’m having, ah, pizza for lunch.”

However, Duke was underneath a table with the uncooked pizza.  Angry, Kevin was leaning against the table, and his right fist was clenched.  He was unwilling to chase the animal anymore.  “Go ahead, you four-legged little thief,” he threatened.  “I dare you to eat that!”  And that’s what Duke did; he sucked the entire pizza in like a vacuum cleaner.  He topped it off with a disgusting burp.

Having seen this, Lana turned back to the ‘poor soul’.  “On second thought,” she said, “that apple is beginning to sound pretty good!”  She lifted a twenty-five cent piece with her left hand, and after she removed the apple from Eggy’s hand with her right hand, she set the quarter into his hand.  After Lana had closed the door, Eggplant Wizard turned to run, but he tripped over his disguise and fell flat on his belly.  Some veggies popped out of him.

Having replaced his shirt and apron with a clean shirt and his jacket, Kevin came up to Lana and removed his chef’s hat.  “Sorry about that, Princess,” he said apologetically.

“Don’t worry about the pizza, Kevin,” she replied, holding up the apple.  “I just bought my lunch.”  She took a bite of the tasty-looking fruit, but suddenly, everything started to appear blurry!  Kevin appeared to be getting farther and farther away.  “Kevin!” she called, and the concerned look on his face was the last image she saw before all went black.

Kevin’s concern was warranted.  She lost consciousness and fell to the floor before him.  Suddenly, a warp opened beneath her and took her away before he could follow!  “Princess!” he called as she vanished.  Suddenly, a hologram appeared before him, and he saw Mother Brain and Eggplant Wizard, who removed his disguise before the Game Master’s eyes.  “What have you done to the princess?” he demanded Mother Brain.

“What’s the matter?” Mother Brain asked, sadistically toying with him.  “Don’t you like fairy tales?  You remember this one.  The beautiful princess eats the poisoned apple and falls into a deep sleep.”  She pointed her tentacle at him.  “And the handsome prince—ha!  I suppose that’s you—has to wake her out of the spell.”

Kevin frowned.  “It’s also the one where the prince destroys the ugly witch, isn’t it?” he demanded angrily.

“That’s the one!” Eggy replied promptly.

Mother Brain turned to him and frowned.  He looked away and guarded his head in case she tried to slap him around.  “Shut up, you mental midget!”  She turned back to Kevin and gave him her sadistic smile once more.  “You’d better hurry, Captain N.  The princess is in Castle Ironspire, and if she isn’t awakened by midnight, she’ll sleep forever!!”  She screamed with laughter as Kevin drew his Zapper and fired at her hologram just as it disappeared.


Meanwhile, in the royal portrait gallery, Simon was in the process of adding a picture to the portraits already there.  Mega Man and Kid Icarus stood to his left and watched.  “Simonius, what are you doing?” Kid Icarus asked as Simon stood on a stool and placed the picture, covered in a red cloth, in place on the wall.

“I’m adding another painting to the royal portraits,” Simon replied.  “They obviously forgot the most important one!”  He whisked away the red cloth and revealed, not surprisingly, a portrait of himself smiling.  “Beautiful, isn’t it?” he asked most egotistically.

Neither Kid Icarus nor Mega Man was overly impressed with it.  The expected nothing less of the vainest man in Videoland.  “I think it’s slightly crooked,” Mega Man said, seeing a slight imperfection in the way the painting was hanging.

Simon turned and considered this.  “Really?” he asked.  However, when he attempted to adjust the painting, he slipped on the stool and fell onto the floor, and the painting came with him!  When all came to rest, he was sitting with his real head through the painting in the location of his mouth!  “I’ve been framed!” he cried angrily.  Fortunately, he realized that he was the only one to blame for this unfortunate accident.  Luckily, nothing was harmed except the painting and his pride.

Suddenly, Kevin came running into the hall.  Kid Icarus and Mega Man turned to him.  “What’s the matter, Kevinicus?” Kid Icarus asked with concern.

“Mother Brain put a sleeping spell on the princess,” Kevin reported excitedly.  “She’s been warped to Castle Ironspire!”

“Ironspire?” Mega Man asked, his eyes widening.  “That’s on Excalibur, the Land of Wizards and Warriors!”

“I know,” Kevin replied, this time a bit calmer.  “It’s a tough world, but we’ve got to get her out of there.”

Simon perked up at this news, and he stood and went over to Kevin.  “Did you say, ‘Sleeping spell’?  Like the kind where the beautiful princess must be kissed by a handsome prince to wake her up?”

“Yeah, so?” Kevin replied.

Simon reached around with his right hand and put it on the back of Kevin’s head, drawing him closer to him.  “I don’t know how to break this to you, Captain N,” Simon said conceitedly, “but the fairy tale rule book is quite clear on these matters.  I am the handsomest, so I must find the princess and kiss her!”

None of the other three agreed at all that Simon was more handsome than Kevin, least of all Kevin!  But Kevin knew time was of the essence.  He walked backwards and escaped Simon’s hand.  “Look, there’s no time to argue,” the Game Master replied.  “I can use all the help I can get.”  He turned to Kid Icarus and Mega Man.  “You two stay here and guard the Palace.”

Mega Man and Kid Icarus saluted him.  “Yes, siricus!” Kid Icarus replied as Kevin moved to a warp.

Stopping in front of the warp, Kevin whistled.  “Here, boy!” he called.  Duke walked through the room with his head bowed, and he hiccuped with every step.  Kid Icarus and Mega Man looked at the dog with concern; he was usually quicker and livelier in responding to his master’s commands.  However, he felt sick from downing that whole pizza all at once.  “Serve’s you right for eating the whole thing,” Kevin told his dog when Duke looked up at him.  He felt sympathetic, but he sure didn’t show it.  He wanted this lesson to sink into his dog’s mind.  “Come on!  We’re going to Excalibur.”  He leapt into the warp, and then Duke followed.

Simon ran after them.  “Wait for me!” the vampire hunter said.  He followed them into the warp.


Across the vastness of Videoland, on the mystical world of Excalibur. . .

From outer space, Excalibur appeared to be a land composed of three jagged, brown landmasses clumped together so that they appeared to be three huge stairs put together in space.  The southern landmass pointed away to the southwest, while the northern landmass pointed away to the northwest, and the central mass pointed to the west.

Kevin and Duke emerged from the warp near the top of a large, misshapen tree in the middle of a swamp.  Kevin and Duke looked around.  Seconds later, Simon popped into existence behind them, and he still had the canvas on his head.  Kevin looked at him in surprise.  “Get this off!” the vampire hunter snapped.  Kevin grabbed the painting by the frame, pulled it off Simon’s head, and flung it away.  “Whoa,” Simon said, seeing how high up they were.

“Been a while since I’ve played this game,” the Game Master said.  He pointed with his left hand.  “I think that’s the way to Castle Ironspire.”  He looked down at his dog.  “Come on, Duke.”  Duke leapt into Kevin’s arms, and while holding the dog, Kevin used his left index finger to press the down key on his Power Pad.  Then, he safely went down the odd tree using three branches before landing on his feet on the ground.  He looked up.  “Get the lead out, Simon!” he called.

Meanwhile, Simon had his limbs all spread out across the tree as he cautiously tried to climb down.  “Showoff,” he said to himself with annoyance.  “Simon Belmont can climb trees as well as any teenager with a Power Pad!”  Suddenly, he proved that this was not the case.  On the contrary, he slipped and fell screaming, crashing onto the three limbs that Kevin had used and then landing facedown in the mud immediately in front of Kevin.  Kevin lifted his right foot and just missed getting splattered by the mud.  When Simon pushed himself up with his hands and looked up at Kevin, his face and coat were all coated in mud.  He gave Kevin a weak smile.  “If you’re a good boy, I may teach you that trick some day,” the vampire hunter said.

“Heh, I look forward to it,” Kevin said with some sarcasm evident in his voice.  Suddenly, Simon fell back down again.

Later, Kevin pressed the up key on his Power Pad to help him jump over a series of stumps in the swamp.  Duke easily leapt across the gaps between the stumps by himself.  However, Simon used his whip to swing past Kevin.  “So long, Captain N,” Simon said.  He landed on a branch in another of the strange trees.  “Looks like I’ll be seeing Her Loveliness before you.  And when I do, I’ll give her a great, big. . .”  He had closed his eyes and didn’t notice the human-sized, bipedal werewolf drop in next to him and howl!  He was pretending he was getting ready to kiss Lana, and then he turned to the wolf, hugged it, and kissed it on the muzzle between its nose and fangs.  He didn’t notice it was a werewolf until he opened his eyes and saw the surprised animal in front of him.  Simon cried out in surprise, his hair about to stand on end, as the wolf frowned and howled angrily at him.  Simon turned and ducked as the wolf swiped at him with its left paw.  The wolf slashed the bottom of Simon’s backpack, causing much of his junk to fall out and past Kevin, who had reached the base of the tree.

Seeing all this garbage, Kevin grew concerned.  “Simon, what’s going on up there?” Kevin asked.  He was even more surprised when the vampire hunter appeared upside down in front of him!

“Nothing to worry about,” Simon said somewhat calmly.  “Just a. . . WEREWOLF!!!”  Looking up, Kevin could see the wolf and that it had tied Simon’s legs together with his whip and had dangled him over the edge of the branch.  The wolf prepared to slash Simon with its left paw, but Kevin quickly blasted the wolf with three rapid Zapper shots.  The wolf disappeared and left behind a diamond, which fell to Kevin’s feet.

Kevin picked up the diamond and regarded it thoughtfully.  “It was just an illusion, like most everything in this crazy world,” he told Simon.  “Probably whipped up by the evil wizard Malkil.”

“It might have been an illusion,” Simon said, considering the situation.  He put his left hand on his large chin.  “But it kissed like a werewolf.”

“We’ll need as many of these gems as we can get our hands on,” Kevin said.

Simon bent upwards and untied the whip around his ankles, and suddenly he tumbled facedown into the water.  When Simon looked back up to Kevin, he held up his left index finger.  “Ha!  I should’ve known you were in this for the money!” he snapped.

“Don’t be an airhead,” Kevin said as Simon stood up.  Simon was so dense he’d sink to the bottom of the Dead Sea!  “We have to have something valuable if we’re going to bribe the guard to Castle Ironspire.”

As Simon spoke, he knocked each side of his head once, and each time, water spilled out of the appropriate ear.  “The only thing Simon Belmont needs is brains, and I’ve got plenty of those right here,” he said.  He started fixing his hair.

“Amazing what can fit inside that swelled head of yours,” Kevin said sarcastically.  “Come on!  We’re losing time!”  Without wasting another instant, he and Duke bounced off.

However, Simon took on a devious grin and put his right hand up to his chin thoughtfully.  “If I’m going to get to the princess first, I’ll need to make sure Captain N is unavoidably detained.”


As Simon Belmont plots an advantage for himself, the evil sorcerer Malkil makes plans of his own.

Within Castle Ironspire, the evil and ugly Malkil was watching Simon in his crystal ball.  “Yes, this one will do,” the sorcerer said, placing his hands on the ball.  “I won’t have any trouble manipulating his feeble mind.”  He got up and took what appeared to be the skull of some monster.  He opened a compartment on the top of the skull, removed some powder from it, and sprinkled it in a small red pot on the same table that held the crystal ball.  “Powder, frog brains, a chilling rat corpse,” he chanted, and a creature that appeared to be a mix of a frog and a rat crawled out of the pot, and faced him, “hurry now, through the deadly dwarf warp!”  As the evil wizard laughed maliciously, the frog-rat hopped off the table and went through a warp.


The heroic trio was now out of the swamp.  As they made their way towards Ironspire, they noticed a strange frog-like creature with a rat’s tail pop out of a warp in a tree to the left of the path and stop in front of them.  “Stand back,” Simon said, pushing Kevin back with his right hand.  “Simon Belmont will take care of this deadly beast!”  He whipped a golf driver out of his backpack and prepared to hit the frog-rat sitting before them as though it were a golf ball.

However, just as Simon had finished the backswing, Kevin stopped him.  “Wait a minute!  Don’t you think that’s the wrong weapon for the job?” Kevin asked.

Simon considered the situation.  “You’re absolutely right!”  He flung the golf club away.  Then, he reached into his backpack and withdrew a. . . rocket launcher?  He knelt and aimed this large weapon at the small creature.

“Get real, will you, Simon?” Kevin said, before pulling Simon back up to a standing position.

Duke came forward and sniffed curiously at the creature, but suddenly, it exploded in a puff of smoke, and the dog backed away with a yap.  The creature left behind only a green key.

“It’s a magic key,” Kevin said, bending down and picking it up.  He examined it carefully.  “It looks just like the one that opens the door to the next level, but there’s something weird about it.”

“That’s nothing for you to be concerned about,” Simon said.  Suddenly, he swiped the key from Kevin and shoved the Game Master backwards.  A wooden door formed and opened in the base of a tree behind Kevin, and his momentum from Simon’s shove carried him through the door.

“Simon, doooon’t!” Kevin cried as he went through the door and fell into a deep cylindrical area inside the tree.  Duke stopped at the door and whined.  The Game Master caught a limb that saved him from falling any deeper.

Simon came to the door and looked down smugly.  “I’m doing this for your own good, Captain N,” the vampire hunter lied.  “Rescuing princesses is a man’s job!”  Of course, the vampire hunter just wanted to get the opportunity to show Lana what a great kisser he was.  Duke growled as Simon took his portable mirror and primped himself properly.  After Simon was finished, the vampire hunter frowned down at Kevin’s dog.  “Shut up,” he said simply before moving on.  The dog looked back down at Kevin and whined.

“Simon, wait!” Kevin called just after Simon had gotten out of earshot.  “It’s a trap!  I just remembered!  There are no green keys on Excalibur!”  Kevin tried to reach down to his Power Pad with his right hand, but he couldn’t do that without slipping off the limb.


As he continued, Simon noticed a building further ahead.  “Aha!” he said.  “That’s what I’ve been looking for!”  He went to the building and saw its green door.  “A green door, a green key!”  He inserted the green key into the door’s lock, and the door swung inwards, granting entry.  Simon chuckled.  “Only a mental dwarf wouldn’t be able to figure out that this is the door to the next level.”  He entered the small building.  “You-who!  Anyone home?”

“Nobody but us mental dwarfs!” a voice said, seemingly from nowhere.  Suddenly, a warp opened in the floor to Simon’s left, and a green, slimy dwarf clothed in a red tunic and a red hat popped out of this warp to greet Simon.  “Let me slime, dude!” the dwarf said, sloshing slime onto Simon’s right hand as if in a handshake.

“Ew!” Simon said, grossed.  “Slime!”

“That’s me,” the dwarf said.  “I’m Slimy!”  Suddenly, a gray-skinned, snake-tongued dwarf came out of a warp from above and landed on Simon’s right shoulder.  “And this is Snaky!”

“Yow!” Simon cried when the disgusting dwarf landed on his shoulder and licked his face.

A gray-skinned, puffy-looking dwarf formed in the fireplace.  “And that’s Smoky,” Slimy said.  Smoky ran in a circle around Simon and covered him with smoke, causing him to cough.  Another dwarf came from another room.  This dwarf seemed to be a skeleton, who made clacking sounds when he walked.  “And Bony.”  Another dwarf came out of a bucket, and this one had huge teeth!  “And Toothy!”  Toothy charged over and chomped once on the leg of Simon’s left boot.


Another dwarf, one with a black-and-yellow body, wings, and a stinger, appeared out of a hole.  “And Sting-y!”  Sting-y stung Simon in the back of his neck.

“Whoo-ee!” Simon cried.

And suddenly, a huge dwarf, taller and bulkier than Simon, crashed through the room.  “And last, but definitely not least, here’s Tiny!”  Simon gasped when Tiny grabbed him by the front of his coat and lifted him off the floor.  “We’re the Seven Warp Dwarfs,” Slimy finished, “and you must be. . . lunch!!”  The Dwarfs all laughed as Tiny pinned a screaming Simon to the table.


As Captain N and Simon Belmont face untold dangers back on Excalibur, Mega Man and Kid Icarus stand guard at the Palace of Power.

At the Palace, Mega Man and Kid Icarus were watching TV, but they were both worried about the others.  “Do you think Kevinicus and Simonius have found Her Highnicus yet?” Kid Icarus asked his comrade.

“I hope so,” Mega Man said as a fizzing sound came over the monitor’s speakers.  “I have a feeling something mega bad is about to happen.”

As the two watched the screen, it fizzed up, and then a blue screen with the word ‘ATTENTION’ in bold white letters appeared.  Then, the same blue screen appeared with the word ‘NEWS’ in the right side.  In the left side was Eggplant Wizard, who had a white sheet of paper in his hands.  “We interrupt this program to bring you a special Eggplant Bulletin,” the wizard said.  “The Palace of Power is under attack!”

Mega Man and Kid Icarus got up and stood next to each other at the end of the table.  “What’s he talking about?” Kid Icarus asked.  “There’s no one here but usicus!”  Mega Man shrugged.

“That’s what you think!” Eggy replied, having now disappeared from the screen.  Suddenly, the screen turned brilliant, and Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo came through the screen as though it were a warp!  This surprised the two heroes.

“How did you do that?” Kid Icarus asked.

Eggy held up a device in his left hand.  “With Dr. Wily’s newest invention, the TV Warp Zone Remote Control!”  King Hippo advanced on the heroes.

“Let me at ’im!” Mega Man said, heading for King Hippo.  However, as Mega Man came forth, King Hippo simply held out his left gloved fist and blocked the small android from walking any further.  “I’ll mega punch him, and mega kick him, and mega chop him!”  However, his limbs were too short to reach King Hippo’s belly, prodigious though it was.

“Yeah?” King Hippo replied.  “And I’m going to give you a mega belly bump!”  He let go of Mega Man and bumped him with his belly.  The android flew screaming across the table and crashed way at the other end.

“All right, you rotten eggplanticus,” Kid Icarus said as he drew his bow.  “You’re going to serve time in the Palace Jail!”

“Well, I’m going to serve you, first!” Eggy replied, turning his staff into a tennis racquet.  Before Kid Icarus could get an arrow ready, Eggplant Wizard grabbed him, tossed him into the air, and smacked him across the table with the racquet!

“Ayiee!” the archer cried during his flight.  Unfortunately, Mega Man got up before Kid Icarus reached the end of the table, and Kid Icarus rammed straight into him, knocking both of them to the ground.

Eggy reached between his back and his cape with his left hand and pulled out two apples.  “Now, for my mackintosh backhand!”  Holding their heads, Mega Man and Kid Icarus stood up at the end of the table.  However, Eggplant Wizard tossed the two apples into the air and hit them well, and the apples perfectly hit the mouths of the two N Teamsters, who involuntarily bit them and fell asleep.  A warp opened beneath them and removed them from the Palace.  Eggplant Wizard conjured his banana cell phone and dialed Metroid.  “This is Eggplant Wizard calling Big Mama Brain!  Mission accomplished.”


Meanwhile, back at the tree on Excalibur, Duke whined as Kevin’s troubles increased.  Now, not only was the teenager trapped in the tree, two giant spiders were after him!  “Eyew!” Kevin said in disgust.  “The only thing I hate more than spiders are giant spiders!”  He kicked up at the blue spider and the pink one trying to make their way to him.  He tried again twice for his Power Pad, but he just couldn’t hang onto the branch with one hand long enough.  “Think, Kevin, think!  What would you do if you were sitting in front of your TV now, playing Wizards and Warriors?”  He took a look at the ugly four-eyed faces of the two spiders that were after him.  This was definitely not a situation he typically got into in video games.  “Ah, you’d probably lose!”  He then pulled a new trick:  he swung twice on the branch and then let go and let his momentum carry him up to the web that the spiders had built!  The web would have caught smaller creatures, but its stickiness wasn’t enough to grapple a human.  He climbed up until he was just below the door ledge.  Duke whined as Kevin attempted to grab onto the ledge, but his arm wasn’t quite long enough.  Even worse, the two spiders were gaining on him!  However, Kevin was determined to escape, and he broke a few strands of web with a powerful leap forward.  Once the Game Master had reached the ledge, Duke grabbed the sleeve of his coat and helped him get up onto the ledge.  Once outside of the trap, Kevin hurried out the door and slammed it shut.  He knelt before his dog and patted him.  “Thanks, Duke!  Man, I’ve never pulled a stunt like that on the ol’ tube.  Not bad, huh?”  The grateful dog just jumped up and licked Kevin’s left cheek.

“Kevin!” Lana’s voice called.  Kevin turned to his left and saw a pale hologram of her with her hand outstretched.  He ran over to the hologram as quickly as he could.  “It’s horrible!  Please, come quickly!” she called desperately before she vanished.

“Lana!” Kevin called, but he just missed her.  He looked at his dog.  “The princess is in trouble, Duke!”

Suddenly, they heard someone closer cry:  “Help!!”  The voice belonged to none other than Simon.  At least he knew when he desperately needed help.

“And so is Simon,” Kevin said, running towards the source of the voice.


The Seven Warp Dwarfs were busy having Simon for lunch, but they had not gotten to chewing his clothes off yet.  He was on a giant platter on their table, and he had been covered in some sort of sauce.  Toothy lowered the ropes that were binding his legs and bit at the legs of his boots.  Tiny was slucking in some sauce-covered ‘rope spaghetti’.  However, their meal was interrupted when ‘some teenager with a Power Pad’, accompanied by his dog, kicked in the door and aimed his Zapper at the group of dwarfs.  “Freeze!” he commanded.

Suddenly, the dwarfs ceased their chatter and turned towards the intruder.  One dwarf burped.  “Hey, guys!  It’s a showdown!” Slimy said.  “We love showdowns!”

“It’s only fair that I tell you,” Kevin said, “I’m the fastest Zapper this side of my TV screen.”  The dwarfs lined up before him.

“Oh, yeah?” Slimy replied.  Suddenly, as he continued, all seven dwarfs were surrounded by light, and when the light vanished, they all had cowboy-style hats and gun belts.  “Well, it’s only fair that we tell you we’re the Magnificent Seven. . . heh!  Warp Dwarfs, that is!  Heh, heh!”  While struggling, Simon managed to roll over to his right and crash onto the floor in between the table and the benches.  As the dwarfs encircled him, Kevin noticed one dwarf was about to fire.  He used his Power Pad to zip out of the way to his right, and the dwarf that had shot hit Bony instead of Kevin.  Bony disappeared and became a gem.  Tiny fired at Kevin, but Kevin leapt over the shot, which hit Smoky instead.  Kevin jumped up, and Slimy hit both Sting-y and Tiny, who both turned to gold pieces.

Kevin landed near Simon.  “Simon!  Don’t just sit there like a Thanksgiving turkey!” Kevin said.  “Give me a hand!”

“Yes,” Simon replied.  “Well, I’d love to, but I’m tied up at the moment!”  As he finished, he lifted up his feet and exposed the ropes around his legs.  Kevin vaporized these ropes with a couple of good Zapper shots, and then Simon got up and faced Toothy and Snaky.  Toothy moved behind Simon, and Simon readied his whip.  Just as the two dwarfs were about to blast him, Simon wrapped his whip around a beam of wood at the top of the building, and the two dwarfs only hit each other.  Landing, Simon blew on his whip and then coiled it.

As Kevin stood watching, Slimy sneaked up behind him.  “Hah!  Got you now, tall person!” the dwarf said.

Kevin turned and put up his hands.  “We know when we’re licked, don’t we, Duke?”  Looking up at his master, Duke licked his chops and barked.  He ran over to Slimy.

“No!” Slimy cried as Duke began licking him.  He fired off a blast, but in a completely wrong direction.  “Hey!  Careful with my slobber!”  The dwarf disintegrated and became a good amount of loot!

“Way to slurp, Duke!” Kevin said, rubbing his dog.  He and Simon examined their new stash.  This would definitely help to bribe the guard at Ironspire!


After a long and treacherous journey, Captain N and Simon reach the sinister Castle Ironspire.

The night was dark and stormy when the heroes arrived at the large, evil castle.  As Kevin expected, their access to the castle was blocked by an ironclad guard with a large ax.  “Halt!” the guard said as the two heroes approached.  “No one enters Castle Ironspire and lives.”

“But we’re prepared to pay,” Kevin said, he and Simon both keeping at least one arm behind their backs.

“I don’t accept credit cards!”

Suddenly, Kevin and Simon showed him what they had. . . enough gold and gems to pay taxes for a few years!  “How about gold and jewels?” Kevin asked.

The guard removed his helmet and showed them a pleased smile.  “Well, why didn’t you say so?” the guard asked, accepting the payment.  “Go right in and make yourselves at home.”  Kevin, Simon, and Duke entered the horrendous castle.

“There isn’t much time left,” Kevin said.  “Come on!”  He and his two friends ran upstairs to where Princess Lana was.  “Princess!” he called out as the lightning flashed outside.  He, Simon, and Duke went over to the princess.  What she was in looked ominously like a coffin.  She was asleep, with her arms crossed peacefully on her chest, but she definitely was not dead.  Kevin and Simon knelt next to her.  They looked at the clock, which showed them it was only seconds until midnight.  “It’s almost midnight.  I’ve got to kiss her, quick!”  He brought his face to hers and kissed her briefly on the lips.  However, she did not stir even one a voluntary muscle.

“Ha!  You couldn’t wake up a frog with a kiss like that!” Simon joked.  He took out his comb, which had the initials ‘SB’, and mirror and brushed his hair.  “Let a real man show you how it’s done!”

Kevin was sick of Simon’s overboard vanity.  “You look great,” he said.  “Now, kiss her, already, will ya?”  Simon puckered up, lifted Lana up a bit, and gave her a wet kiss.  However, when he set her back down, she did not stir, except she snored very lightly.  Both heroes were now confused.

“I don’t get it!” Kevin said.  “It’s not working!”

“Maybe it’s my breath,” Simon replied self-consciously.

Kevin got up and turned to the clock.  Whimpering, Duke put his paws up on the side of the coffin and licked Lana’s lips.  “Oh, it’s no use.  She’s just not waking up!  It’s too late.”  Duke made a sad sound.

Suddenly, a hologram appeared before them. . . Mother Brain!  “You can’t awaken the princess, you fool!” she scoffed.

“Mother Brain!” Kevin said.  “But you said all we had to do was kiss her!”

“Yes!  Wasn’t that romantic?  I lied, of course.”

Suddenly, a second hologram appeared, and Malkil was in it.  “Malkil!” Kevin said.  “I should have known you were part of this!”

“Your lovely princess is in the Nightmare Zone,” Malkil informed them, “and all you have to do to rescue her is. . . have a bite!”  The evil wizard laughed as a basket of apples appeared in midair before Kevin, Simon, and Duke.  “But be careful, because in the Nightmare Zone, your worst nightmares will come to haunt you.  Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!”

“And the price for failure is never waking up,” Mother Brain said.  The two villains disappeared.

Simon took an apple that had a hole.  However, he was unpleasantly surprised by a happy worm that popped out of the hole!  “No way am I eating one of these things,” he said distastefully, dropping the apple.

“Do what you want,” Kevin replied.  “I’m going after the princess.”  He took an apple and bit it, and he went to sleep immediately and was warped away.  Duke sniffed at the apples and bit one in order to follow his master.

“I can’t let Captain N rescue the princess,” Simon said, thinking only of himself.  “It’ll ruin my reputation.  Oh, well, maybe just a little bite!”  He closed his eyes and opened his mouth in preparation to bite the apple, but suddenly, the worm popped out of the hole and bit his nose!  “Yow!”  However, this had the intended effect.  So, all three of them were in the Nightmare Zone.

Suddenly, Mother Brain and Malkil reappeared in the room.  “The fools!” Mother Brain exclaimed.  “Don’t they know that an apple a day keeps the N Team away?”  She laughed wickedly.


In the Nightmare Zone, Kevin and Duke walked down a strange corridor.  This place was stranger than any real dream either of them had experienced, that was for sure.  It looked like some expressionistic—well—nightmare!  “Hello?” he called softly.

“No!” Lana’s voice said in the distance.  “Stay away, Kevin!”

He saw her now.  He was approaching her from behind, but it seemed almost as if she didn’t want him to see her. . . or was it the other way around?  “Princess!” he exclaimed.  Suddenly, she turned around. . . and her face was Mother Brain’s!  He gasped in horror.

“I’ve turned into a monster,” she said sadly.  “I’m too horrible to look at!”  She buried her ugly face into her hands as if to weep.

“No!” Kevin said.  He put his right hand on her back and gently pushed her chin up with his left hand, and her face was back to normal.  Lana could see the kindness, warmth, and compassion in his eyes when she saw him again.  “It’s just a bad dream,” he told her.

“Oh, Kevin,” she said thankfully, putting her arms around him.  In this land of constant nightmares, he was so solid, so real.  It had to be him.

“Don’t worry, Princess,” he told her.  “There must be a warp zone around here somewhere.”  Suddenly, he saw a doorway with a bright light.  “There’s a light over there!”  They ran to the doorway and looked around.

“Where are we?” Lana asked.  Kevin looked around from left to right.  TV to the immediate left of the door with Nintendo, dresser on the left wall with his dictionary and computer, bookshelf, black-and-white checkered window shade, black-and-white checkered bedsheets, poster of the U.S.S. Enterprise above his bed, clothes strewn about everywhere. . .

“It’s my bedroom!” he exclaimed.  “I’m home!”

Suddenly, he heard his mother’s voice:  “Kevin!  I thought I told you to clean up your room!”

He looked to Lana for support and shrugged, but she just stood there with her arms crossed.  So, he got in and got to work.  He took some clothes to his closet, but when he opened the door, a big mountain of junk he had crammed in there came crashing down on top of him!  “Ow!  I don’t remember putting this much junk in my closet,” he said, poking his head above the mess.  Duke put a pair of tennis shoes under Kevin’s bed, but suddenly, these shoes, a pair of socks, and one other shoe marched out and attacked him!  Kevin opened the dresser and was attacked again!  “Not the dresser, too!”

“I don’t get it, Kevin,” Lana said as Kevin held his head with his right hand.  “How could someone so organized in the video world be so disorganized in his own bedroom?”  She picked up a stray soda can and dropped it in the trashcan.  However, the soda can popped back out, and the trashcan blasted out even more junk!

“Wait a minute.  That’s it!” Kevin said.  He drew his Zapper.  “Maybe I can zap my junk away!”  He tried to zap his junk, but the Zapper’s laser didn’t harm anything.  Everything in the room seemed to combine into one giant monster!  “This dream is nuts!  Let’s get out of here!”  He, Lana, and Duke ran out of the room and were safe.  “Whoa!  That was too gross!”

“We’ve got to find a warp zone out of this world,” Lana said.

“I second the motion,” he replied.  “Come on!”  They continued on their way in search of a way out.


Meanwhile, Simon was in for the fright of his life.  He walked right onto a stage in front of a monster audience.  “Ha!  I knew there was nothing to worry about,” he said.  “This isn’t such a nightmarish place.”

Suddenly, a spotlight shone on him.  “And here he is, ladies and gentlemonsters,” an announcer said.  “Our next contestant in the Mr. Videoland Universe Contest:  Simon ‘The Body’ Belmont!”  Simon’s gloves, coat, and shirt flew off his body, exposing his entire torso.

“Nightmare, nothing!” Simon said, flexing his muscles.  “This is one terrific dream!”  Suddenly, he heard a hissing sound.  “Hm, sounds like something’s leaking.”  Suddenly, the bicep on his upper right arm shrank and sagged under his arm!  “Yikes!  Not my beautiful teeth!”  He grinned, but suddenly, his shiny teeth all fell out!  Even worse, pimples began forming on his face!  “It couldn’t be!  Simon Belmont’s never had a pimple!”  To make matters worse, all his hair flew off his head!  “No!  Get back where you belong, you stupid hairs!”  Meanwhile, the audience was laughing, greatly amused by Simon’s misfortune.  Simon withdrew his mirror and looked at himself with horror.  “Oh, wait!  Not that!  I’m. . . I’m disgusting!  Eyaaah!” he cried as he bolted out stage left.  Suddenly, he collided with a frozen Mega Man and a Kid Icarus arrow cushion that were coming from the other direction.  The three heroes crashed together in a heap.  “What a horrible dream I had,” the vampire hunter said.

“Me, tooicus,” Kid Icarus said.  A couple of arrows were sticking out of his head and one out of his chest.  “I dreamt my bow attacked me!”

“And I dreamt Ice Man gave me a m-m-mega dose of his f-f-freeze ray,” Mega Man said, shivering.

Suddenly, Kevin, Lana, and Duke came walking towards them.  “There you are,” Kevin said.

“You’ve found Her Highnicus,” Kid Icarus said, getting up.

“Now, we can leave this mega nightmare,” Mega Man said as he got up.

“We’ve checked everywhere,” Lana said.  “There isn’t a warp zone in this world.”

“Mother Brain may be right,” Kevin said.  “I think we may be stuck here forever.”

Simon had gotten up.  He pointed an accusing finger at Kevin.  “This is all your fault.  If you hadn’t made me eat that rotten apple, I never would have entered this sleepless nightmare!”

Finally, Kevin understood.  “Wait a minute,” he said.  “There may be a warp zone into and out of this world.  We woke up in this world by going to sleep in the real world.”

Lana knew what he was suggesting.  “So, if we go to sleep in this world, we might wake up back in the real world!”

“Then again, if I’m wrong,” Kevin said, “we could end up in a worse nightmare!”

“I don’t care,” Simon said.  “I’ll do anything to get my looks back.”  Everyone went to sleep on the floor.  Mega Man and Kid Icarus snuggled up to Kevin’s back.  Before going to sleep, Simon got a teddy bear out of his backpack and used it as a pillow.


Later, at the Palace of Power, Mother Brain and her evil comrades celebrate their ill-gotten victory.

Within the Palace of Power’s Throne Room, Malkil was seated on the throne.  Dr. Wily stood to Malkil’s right on the throne platform.  To the left of the throne platform were Hippo and Eggy.  Sitting before the throne platform was Mother Brain, who was too huge to occupy the throne herself.  Mother Brain’s four comrades raised their glasses to her.  “To Queen Mother Brain,” Malkil toasted.

“Hip-hip, hooray!” the other three exclaimed.

The doorbell sounded.  “Uh, someone at the door,” Eggplant Wizard said.  He was the closest to the door, so he went over to look through the door’s peephole.  “Uh, who’s there?”

He looked out and saw someone in a robe.  It was Mega Man, but Eggy did not recognize him.  “I bring a gift for the new ruler of Videoland,” Mega Man said in a voice that no one in the room knew.  Eggplant Wizard opened the door, and Mega Man rolled in a large crate of apples.

“Hey, look, everybody,” Eggplant Wizard said.  “A gift from our humble subjects.”

Suddenly, when the crate was in the middle of the room, the N Team popped out of it!  “Guess again, vegetable breath!” Kevin said.

“The N Team!” Mother Brain cried in anger.  How in the world did they wake up?

“A-plus, Mother Brain!” Kevin said.  He looked up to his left at Kid Icarus.  The Kid fired an arrow with an apple stuck into it straight into King Hippo’s wide open mouth, and the stupid boxer fell backwards and crashed on Dr. Wily, so both were knocked out.

“Foolish humans,” Malkil said.  “I’ve got to teach you a lesson!”

“And I’ve got an apple for the teacher,” Lana replied.  She snatched up an apple with her left hand and tossed it with pinpoint accuracy into Malkil’s mouth, and Malkil dozed, too.

Kevin was juggling three apples in front of Mother Brain herself.  “Ha!” she scoffed.  “I’m surrounded with protective glass.  Your apples can’t hurt me.”  Kevin tossed the apples onto the outside of her jar, where they stuck and seeped their juice downwards into her jar.

“Not apples, Mother Brain,” Kevin said.  “Apple juice!”

“No!” she cried, but it was too late.  The apple juice worked its way into the fluid in her jar and put her out like a light.  The villains were sucked away into a warp, and the N Team cheered.

“That should give them nightmares for a while,” Kevin said when the warp had closed.

“Videoland owes you another debt of gratitude,” Lana told him.

“That won’t be necessary, Princess,” he replied modestly and honestly, “but there is one thing.”

“What is it?”

“Well, I was kind of disappointed when I didn’t get to wake you up with a kiss.”

“Well, I’m glad you never got the chance, Kevin.”  She loosely put her hands on his arms up near his shoulders and, to his surprise, kissed him briefly on the lips!  After this, he put his hands on either side of her torso, down where her blouse cut off.  “Because I’d much rather get kissed when I’m awake!”

“That’s not fair!” Simon exclaimed.  “I came to your rescue, too!  Where’s my kiss?”  He leaned forward expectantly.  Duke barked twice, ran up to Simon, and leapt into his arms, and then the dog began ‘kissing’ Simon with wet licks!  Kevin, Lana, Kid Icarus, and Mega Man all laughed.  “Poison!” the vampire hunter cried.