Captain N:

Simon The Ape-Man

Written by Jeffrey Scott

Novelized by David Hartline


On the ghoulish world of Castlevania,. . .

At night in the graveyard, the gravedigger stood with his pickax and shovel in his right hand and his lantern in his left hand.  However, a large, yellow vampire bat flew up to him and knocked his tools out of his hand, and the gravedigger fled screaming from the graveyard.

. . .the evil vampire known as the Count has devised a deadly plan of conquest.

The bat hovered at about shoulder height from the ground and transformed into the Count, who was not a nice man.  He reached into the left side of his cape and pulled out a corked vial.  After using his teeth to remove the cork and spitting the cork away, he poured the orange-red liquid from the vial to the ground of the graveyard.  The liquid formed a tiny stream that flowed over the graves, and when it disappeared, the ground of each grave began to come apart.  The evil Count laughed as many terrible zombies emerged from the ground.  “Come my children,” he said.  “We have a world to conquer!”  He turned around, and they followed him as he began trekking to a more populated region of the world.


“And this is what we call a hand plant.”  In the Palace of Power, Kevin and the rest of the N Team were in an open hallway, where he was showing them some skateboarding moves.  Appropriately, he wore a helmet, elbow-pads, and kneepads while on the board.  He set his board moving forwards towards a curved wall marked with the number ‘2’.  As soon as the board began to go up the wall, he lowered his hands and grasped the right side of the board.  About midway up, his feet left the board, which had tilted about forty-five degrees to the left.  When he reached the ceiling, the bottom of his board was up facing the ceiling, and his feet against the wall.  By pivoting his body, he brought the board around to his left, until it was underneath him, and then he returned his feet to the board, which was now against the wall again.  He rolled back down the wall and stood upright again.  When he was in front of the team, he stopped the board by causing the front wheels to lift off the ground and doing a 180-degree turn, and he got off the board and held it with his right arm.  The whole move took only about four seconds.  “Pretty cool, huh?”

Lana was impressed.  “Can you teach me how to do that?” she asked with excitement and interest.

However, the vampire hunter definitely was not impressed.  “I can teach you how to do far better than that, Your Adorableness.”  He ran into the next room and returned with an ironing board that had wheels.  “If you really want to see some fancy boardwork, check this out.”

“But Simon,” Lana exclaimed, “that’s an ironing board!”  She doubted this kind of board was appropriate for what Kevin had been demonstrating.

“Yes,” he replied, “and how appropriate for flattening my competition!  Heh, heh, heh!”  He hopped on and started rolling.  Kevin shrugged to the princess and then rolled along after Simon.  The vampire hunter laughed as he executed a tight curve.

“Take it slow, Simon,” Kevin said.  “Skateboarding isn’t as easy as it looks.”

However, Simon was in no way interested in heeding whom he saw as his rival.  Duke, who was in Simon’s path, barked, but ran out of the way just in time.  As he rolled towards a set of stairs going down, Simon took out his trusty whip, lassoed the front end of his ironing board, and lifted it up a little bit above the floor with a laugh.  Followed by Kevin, he rolled downstairs, and then he rolled along the wall to his left.  Laughing with enjoyment, he returned to the floor as he approached another set of stairs, which led back up to the same room.  The board went upstairs, and when it reached the top, it flew high and ripped off a piece of the blue curtain that was above the door to the stairs.  “I call this blowing the nose,” Simon said.  He grabbed the piece of curtain with his whip and tossed it backwards. . . and it flew right onto Kevin, blinding him!

“Hey!” Kevin cried.  He inadvertently jumped off the board, and would have fallen to the ground, but Mega Man caught him before that happened.

Simon looked back.  “Ha!  And this one I call pressing the shirt!”  He removed his shirt and blue coat, put them on the board, and took his iron.  He crouched down and ironed his garments, but unfortunately, the legs of the ironing board extended, and the board was heading right for a doorway!

“Simon, look out!” Lana cried.  As the board rolled through the door, Simon’s head crashed into the door frame.  When he stopped, his board was pointing up, and he was sort of hanging upside down since is feet were clasping the sides of the front of the board, and his head was on the floor.  Further, his coat was on top of his head.  He removed the coat from his head.

“Where am I?” he asked.

“Are you okay?” Lana asked with concern.  He got up and approached the other N Teamsters.

“Who are you?” he asked, pointing at Lana.

“Quit kidding!  You know perfectly well who I am.”

“No, I definitely would remember someone as cute as you,” he replied.  “I’m afraid we’ve never met, Miss. . .?”

“It’s me!” she said in exasperation.  “Princess Lana!”

“A pleasure to meet you, Miss Lana,” he said pleasantly.  “I’m. . . I’m. . . who am I?”

“You’re Simon Belmont, a vampire hunter,” Kevin said.

“No, no, I’m definitely not him,” Simon said with certainty.  “I’d never forget a name like that.  Any other suggestions?”

“This is terriblus maximus!” Kid Icarus said.  “He doesn’t remember who he is.”

“This will bring his memory back,” Lana said, reaching into Simon’s backpack.  She removed his mirror and held it up to his face.  “What do you see in the mirror?”

His breath was taken away.  “You mean I’m a. . . Prince Charming?”

“No, Simon!” she snapped as he examined himself.  “I mean you’re an arrogant, self-centered egomaniac!”

“I’m that good, am I?” Simon asked.  He may have lost his memory, but he was still the same old Simon.

Suddenly, an alarm sounded.  “Calling Simon Belmont,” a voice from the communications computer said, and Kevin, Lana, Kid Icarus, Mega Man, and Duke ran to the communications equipment.  “Calling Simon Belmont.”  Simon just stood there looking until Kevin came and brought him along.


In the conference room, the team saw a black-haired man in a brown suit and yellow shirt on the screen, and dreary Castlevania houses behind him.  “That vampire Count and his zombies are attacking Castlevania,” he told the N Team.  “You and the N Team are our only hope!”  He turned to his right.  “Come quickly!”  He turned to his left and fled screaming, and then a trio of disgusting zombies ran past the camera.  The last one, a purple one, stopped and waved at the N Team.

“Gosh, those people are in terrible trouble,” Simon said with concern.  “I hope this Simon Belmont character can help them.”

Lana turned to him.  “But you’re Simon Belmont,” she insisted.

“Me?” he said incredulously.  “No way!  I don’t even like zombies!”

Lana didn’t know what to do about this.  She turned to Kevin.  “Oh!  If he’s Castlevania’s only hope, they don’t have a chance!”

“They do if we can get him to remember who he is,” Kevin replied thoughtfully.  “Maybe if we retrain him, he’ll remember.”

“You mean. . . from scratch?” Lana asked doubtfully.

“Yeah!” Kevin replied.  “I saw it in a Star Trek episode once.  It’ll be a cinch!”

Simon came over to them and put his arms around them in a friendly manner.  “Perhaps this Simon fellow is out to lunch,” he suggested.

Kevin would have laughed if it weren’t for the dire situation.  “You can say that again,” the Game Master replied.


Kevin and Simon were in a classroom.  The screen behind Kevin, sort of serving the function of a chalkboard, had a picture of a bat on it.  Kevin was standing and holding a book, and Simon was seated at a desk. . . in fact, at the only desk.  “All right, Simon,” Kevin greeted, “welcome to Bat Basics 101.  Open your book to page three and repeat after me:  B - A - T, bat.”

Simon opened the book.  “B - A - T, bat,” he repeated, but then scratched his head.  “What’s a bat?”

Kevin walked over to Simon.  “Bat!” he said.  “You know, like Batman and Robin!”

“Make up your mind!  Are we studying bats or birds?”

“Oh, brother!” Kevin cried, but he reminded himself he had to be patient.  Not too easy, though, considering this was his first teaching job.  He pointed to his mouth.  “Read my lips:  bats!”  He went to the computer and activated the many smaller screens surrounding the central screen, revealing pictures of myriad sorts of bats.  The screen above the central bat showed bat claws.  “There are red bats and brown bats.”

Simon got up, stepped up to the screens, and looked at the central screen.  “Ew!” he said with disgust.  “Bats are disgusting!  No way am I a bat-hunter.  Yuck!”  He pointed at the bat in the central screen.  “What an ugly sucker!”

“That’s right,” Kevin replied.  “He’s a blood-sucker!”

Simon’s eyes widened.  “You mean he sucks real blood, as in. . . mine?  Ooh. . .”  He fainted and fell dead to the floor.

“Oh,” Kevin said, and then shrugged.


“This is your trusty whip, Simon,” Mega Man said, showing Simon the whip.  They were currently in the training room, which had empty armor.  “You use it to fight off mega monsters.”

“I do?” Simon asked.

“I’ll demonstrate.”  Using the whip, Mega Man decapitated the nearest set of armor.  Simon nearly gagged.  He didn’t know if he liked this.  Mega Man turned and handed him the whip handle.  “Now you try it, but be careful.”

“Careful, my foot.”  But when he went to draw the whip back, it wrapped around his left ankle and pulled it out from under him, causing him to trip and fall backwards!  “Oh, no!”

“Oh, brother!”


In the room for dancing lessons, Simon looked at Lana with reluctance.  “Are you sure this is necessary?” he moaned.

“Absolutely!” she replied.  “If you expect to regain your athletic skills, you’ll need to be able to control your body.  Now, follow me.”  Dressed in her dancing costume, she held onto the bar in front of the mirror with her right hand, and Simon did so, too.  He wore a pink tutu around his belt.  “One, two,” she said.  On one, she lifted her left foot and arm out to her left.  On two, she set her foot down on the floor again and returned her arm to her side.  He imitated her actions precisely.

“One, two,” he said, continuing the step.  “One, two.  Oh, my!  It’s all coming back to me now!”

“He remembers who he isicus!” Kid Icarus exclaimed.

“Yes!  Yes!  I’m Simon Belmont, prima ballerina!”  Leaving the mirror wall, he performed a strange ballet while singing nonsense.  As he went by the astonished N Team, he picked up Kid Icarus and swung him around.  When he released the archer, Kid Icarus soared up so that his head stuck into some sort of pipe sticking down from the ceiling.  Then, Simon leapt by Kevin and Mega Man, inadvertently knocking them down, and then he danced into a warp.  “Aaaaaah. . .!”

“Simon!” Lana cried.


In an unfamiliar video world, a trio robbers exited a building and attempted to make their escape, but a ninja warrior leapt into the alley and blocked them.  “Surrender,” he said, “or suffer the wrath of the ninja!”  Suddenly, a warp opened in a wall, and Simon came dancing out.  During his mindless dance, he went past the ninja and rammed into the robbers, causing their sacks of ill-gotten money to fly up into the air.  The sacks came down upon the astonished thieves’ heads and knocked them out.  Simon turned around and danced back towards the warp as the ninja examined the unconscious robbers.  “I never knew there were dancing ninja warriors!”

“Neither did I!” Simon said as he re-entered the warp.


Simon came back up through the warp and tripped, sprawling on the floor of the dance hall.  “Whoever this Simon Belmont fellow is,” he said, “he’s a lousy dancer.”

“This is getting us nowhere!” Kevin said as Simon got back up.  “If we’re going to get Simon back to his old self, he’s going to need some serious field training.”


A short while later, on the jungle world of Kongoland. . .

The rest of the N Team stood in front of Simon Belmont.  “ ’Tention!” Kevin said like a drill sergeant.  “All right, Private Belmont!  We’re going to train you to be the baddest bat hunter in Castlevania!  You got that?”

First, using a stand up board of the Count, Kevin attempted to teach Simon to do a kick.  Kevin swung his right foot out towards the Count twice to show Simon the motion, and then he held out his right foot and pressed the crosspad on his Power Pad, propelling him over to the Count.  He knocked the Count board down, and when he got off, the board sprang back up.  Next, it was Simon’s turn.  After steeling himself, Simon unbuckled his belt, causing his pants to fall down so that he tripped when he tried to move!  He fell to the ground just in front of the Count board, and the board fell forward onto his back.  Kevin put his right hand on his head and looked up hopelessly.

Then, Kid Icarus attempted to show Simon how to shoot.  He shot a net arrow and perfectly netted one bat dummy that was hanging from a tree limb.  The archer handed Simon his bow and then winged over to the bat to remove the net.  Mindlessly, Simon grabbed a bugle out of his backpack, strung it in the bow, and fired it.  He gasped, though, when he saw the bugle hit Kid Icarus in the face!

Next, Mega Man had stand up boards for a mummy, a werewolf, and a Frankenstein monster.  He took a huge boulder about twice his size and flung it towards the boards, and it knocked them all down.  However, when Simon attempted to lift the boulder, it proved too heavy for him, and he dropped it back to the ground with a quake.  Only Mega Man was knocked down.

Finally, Duke attempted to teach him tracking.  The dog sniffed and found a trail, and then he went off to follow it.  Simon got down on all fours and sniffed out the same trail, and he followed Duke and barked along with him!  Duke stopped at the entrance to a cave, but Simon ran in like a dog.  He was chased back out by a tiger, and Duke took on a goofy expression.


“Thank you, Captain N,” Simon said, “and thank you, Kid Licorice, Mega Mutt, Princess Leia, and you too, Puke!” he finished, rubbing Duke’s head.  “Thank you all for training me to be who I’ve always known I should be.”  He removed a black hat from his backpack and then a megaphone.  “Simon Belmont,” and then he spoke into the megaphone:  “Kongoland’s tour guide!”  He marched off.  “Between these hills, boys and girls, you’ll see the deadly Bat Forest.”


Predictably, the N Team was being observed by Mother Brain and her two moronic minions, King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard, on Metroid.  “So, Simon Belmont has amnesia,” Mother Brain said.  “Well, perhaps I can jog his memory for him!”  She addressed her lackeys.  “Eggplant Wizard!  King Hippo!”  The turned to her.  “I want you to warp to Kongoland immediately and grab Simon.”  She smiled viciously.  “When you get him, I want you to retrain him properly!”

“You mean, like, sit, and lie down, and roll over?” Eggy asked.

Mother Brain frowned.  How could these two be so stupid?  “No, dog-breath!  I mean, train him to be a dirty, rotten rat-fink, like me.  In other words, brainwash him!!”

King Hippo grinned.  “No problem, Mother Brain!  We’re expert brainwashers, aren’t we, Eggy?”

“Yeah!” Eggy replied.  “Let’s show her!”  He held out his hands, and a squeegee like those provided for car windows at gas stations appeared in his hands.  He rubbed Mother Brain’s jar with the washing side, and suds appeared on her jar.

“What are you doing?” she demanded.

“We’re washing the stains of your brain, Mother Brain,” Hippo said.

The jar got so sudsy that Mother Brain couldn’t see.  She only caught a brief glimpse when Eggy wiped away a part of the sudsy water, and she saw him grinning sheepishly, and then that section got sudsy again.  “The stains on brains stay mainly on the vein!” Eggy and Hippo chanted while washing her jar.

However, they both saw that Mother Brain was quite annoyed when all the suds cleared.  “I’ll stain your brains,” she threatened, “if you don’t get yourselves to Kongoland. . . now!!”  The two idiots headed screaming for the nearest warp zone.


“There’s no more time for training,” Lana said.  “We’ve got to get to Castlevania before it’s too late!”

“Yeah,” Kevin said, “but Simon isn’t ready to handle the Count yet.”

“Don’t be silly,” Simon said.  “Of course I can handle the count!  Watch me!  One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten!  Need I go on?”

“No!” Kevin said with something of a hopeless smile on his face.  “That was terrific, Simon.  If there’s a math quiz on Castlevania, I’m sure you’ll pass.”  Simon grasped the collar of his coat confidently, and Kevin put his left hand on the amnesiac’s right arm.  “Huddle!”  He and the rest of the N Team, sans Simon, went into a huddle a short distance away.  “The Count will destroy Simon in the shape he’s in.”

“Well, what do you suggest?” Lana asked.

Meanwhile, while the N Team discussed what to do, a warp opened in an old hollow tree stump, and Eggplant Wizard and King Hippo emerged from this.  King Hippo came up silently behind Simon and held his glove over Simon’s mouth; the vampire hunter didn’t notice this until it was too late, and his muffled mumblings did not reach his friends.  Eggy helped King Hippo drag Simon into the warp.

The N Team’s discussion ended momentarily.  “Then it’s agreed,” Kevin said.  “We’ll warp Simon back to the Palace and handle Castlevania ourselves.”

“I’ll give him the good news,” Lana said.  She turned around to where Simon had been.  “Simon, there’s something. . . Simon?”  No trace of the vampire hunter remained, nor of his disappearance.

“He’s disappearedicus!” Kid Icarus said.

“Let’s spread out and search for him,” Lana said.  The N Team spread out through the forest and called for the vampire hunter.


Meanwhile, in another region of the forest, a rock rose off the ground and moved.  Where the rock had been, a warp opened, and Mother Brain’s minions emerged with Simon.  “Ah!  What’s the meaning of this?” Simon demanded.  “Have you any idea who I am?”

“Yeah!” Eggy replied.

“Really?” Simon said hopefully.  “Who am I?”

“Why, uh, you’re Simon Belmont, uh, uh, the arch-villain.”

“But the N Team said I was a vampire hunter.”

“Well, of course, they wouldn’t want you to know who you really were, would they?” Hippo asked.

“Gee.  I don’t know,” Simon said, confused.  His attention was caught by Eggy when the vegetable put his right hand on the vampire hunter’s shoulder.

“Well, anyway,” Eggplant Wizard said, “me and Hippo here are going to brainwash. . . er, uh, I mean, retrain you to be the dirty, rotten rat-fink you once were!”

“You’d do that for me?”  Hippo and Eggy nodded, and Simon smiled.  “Gosh, you guys are swell!”  When he looked away, though, the two gave each other the thumbs up behind him.


Minutes later, they had him inside a strange contraption.  His head was sticking out of the top of it, and they had put a helmet on his head.  “What in the world is this thing?” he asked.

“Why, that’s a brainwashing machine,” Eggy said.

“Yeah,” Hippo said.  “We’ll have your brain clean, pressed, and on a hanger in no time!”  Simon gasped when Eggy poured detergent into the top.  King Hippo deposited a couple of coins into a coin slot and started the brainwashing machine.  Simon began spinning around.

Eggplant Wizard held up a picture of Mother Brain.  “This is our glorious leader, Mother Brain,” he said, “offender of the weak, who fights for untruth, injustice, and getting her own way.”

King Hippo then held up a picture of Kevin.  “And this is Captain N for, uh, Nice Guy,” he said.

“Nice?” Simon said.  “How dreadful!”

Eggy held up a picture of Lana.  “This is Princess Goody-Two-Shoes,” he said, then showed a picture of Mega Man, “and her right hand man Mega Muckhead,” then a picture of Kid Icarus, “her little twerp Kid Icky,” and finally a picture of Duke, “and their dog, Puke!”  King Hippo turned up a dial, and Simon began spinning faster.  “You hate the N Team.”

“You despise the N Team,” King Hippo said.

“You want to destroy the N Team!” they both cried.

“Whoa!” Simon cried as he spun faster and faster.  Suddenly, there was an explosion of smoke, and when the smoke cleared, he was standing on top of the brainwashing machine.  “Yes,” he said, taking out his whip.  “I remember now!  I’m Simon Belmont, the N Team hunter!”  He smiled with grim satisfaction.


Later, on Kongoland, the N Team continues their search for Simon Belmont.

“Simonius!” Kid Icarus called.  “Where are you?”  Suddenly, below him, King Hippo popped up out of the foliage and grabbed him.  The archer gasped.

“Well, if it isn’t Kid Icky himself!” King Hippo said.

Kid Icarus struggled to escape the boxer’s grip, but to no avail.  “Hey!  Let go of me, you overgrown slobicus!” he cried, knocking uselessly on Hippo’s arm with his left fist.  Suddenly, Simon came up behind Hippo, and the archer grew hopeful.  “Simonius!  Am I glad to see you!  Show this finkus maximus he can’t treat the N Team this way.”

However, Simon only smiled derisively at Kid Icarus.  “This ‘finkus maximus’ happens to be my best friend, you little N Twerp,” Simon said, grabbing Kid Icarus’s head and then letting it go.

Kid Icarus was confused and shocked.  “But he’s our enemy!”

“He’s told me all about your clever tricks.  You’re the enemy!”  He took a set of handcuffs out of his backpack and affixed them firmly to Kid Icarus’s hands, and then he took the archer’s small bow and one of his flare arrows.  “This should bring the N Team in a hurry,” he said as he strung the arrow.  He shot it off into the air, and it exploded with a bright red flash.

Kevin and his dog saw it from afar.  “That’s Kid Icarus’s emergency flare arrow,” he said.  “Come on, Duke!”

Minutes later, Kevin, Duke, Lana, and Mega Man met in the same spot.  “I came as soon as I saw the flare,” Lana said.  “What’s wrong?”

“Look!” Mega Man cried.  The N Team saw that Kid Icarus was tied up and gagged, and he was hanging suspended upside down from a tree limb.

“Kid Icarus!  What happened?” Kevin asked as he removed the gag around Kid Icarus’s mouth.

“It’s Simonius,” Kid Icarus replied.  “He’s been brainus-washedicus!”

“That’s right,” they heard Simon’s voice say, and they turned towards it.  There was Simon, with King Hippo to his right and Eggplant Wizard to his left.  He gave his teammates a wicked grin.  “My brains have been washed of the lies you tried to clog them with.  Now, I know who I really am:  Simon Belmont, the N Team hunter!” he finished darkly.

“Oh,” Lana snapped, gently hitting her face with her left hand.  “Simon Belmont, the ape-brain, is what you are!”

King Hippo stepped over to Lana.  “Mother Brain will be very pleased when we bring you to her, as well,” the boxer said, flexing his right arm.

“Oh!  I never realized what a macho kind of guy you were,” she said, rubbing the flexed bicep on his right arm.


“Well, you look like a pretty hip hippo,” she said seductively, getting strange looks from the rest of the team.  “Before we go, how about you and me do a little dancing?”

“Well, uh,” Hippo said with a grin.  The two began dancing vigorously.  He laughed, keeping his eyes on his partner.

“Has anyone ever told you you’re very light on your toes?” she asked.

“Why, no!” he said, pleased.

“Too bad,” she said simply.  Suddenly, Hippo found he was standing on an unsupported part of the ground over a ravine!  The piece of ground gave in under his weight, and he fell screaming.

Mega Man came over to a piece of turf slightly detached from the ground.  Eggy didn’t see this until it was too late, and also he didn’t notice he was standing at the end of this piece!  “Oh, no,” the veggie said.  Mega Man caused a big wave to go down the turf, and it knocked Eggplant Wizard screaming halfway across the forest.

“You’re not an N Team hunter, Simon,” Kevin said, “you’re a member of the N Team!”

“Ha, ha!” Simon laughed with a wicked frown.  “Don’t expect me to believe your lies, Captain Nasty!”  He hopped onto the end of a fallen log.  “I’ll show you what we rat-finks think of you good guys.”  He took out his whip and attempted to whip Kevin, but Kevin used his Power Pad to back out of the way.

“Maybe this will knock some sense into you,” Kevin said, fed up with the idiot.  Using his Power Pad, he came down with great force on the other end of the log, launching Simon into the air.  Simon was propelled screaming towards the base of a tree. . . but a circular warp zone was in the tree just where he would have collided with it!  He went through the warp and to yet another area of the jungle.  The warp zone darkened, leaving a dark hole.

The N Team ran to the tree.  “Where’d Simon go?” Lana asked, and then the warp shone blue again.

“He accidentally landed on this warp zone,” Kevin said.  “Come on!”  The N Team ran through the warp.  They emerged behind some tall bushes.  “Simon!”

Mega Man pushed out a square hole in the bushes, and he, Kid Icarus, and Duke came out through this.  “He won’t be easy to find in this mega mess,” Mega Man said.

Lana turned to Kevin.  “Oh, we’ve got to find him before Castlevania is doomed!”  The N Team walked off in search of the vampire hunter.


Meanwhile, Simon was wandering aimlessly through the jungle, and he was quite confused.  “Let me see,” he said to himself.  “Eggplant Wizard says I’m an N Team hunter, while Kevin says I’m an N Team member.  Of course, I could be a. . . B Team player, or maybe I’m a football team cheerleader!”  He sat down on something.  “Oh, I give up!  I can’t figure out who I am!”  Suddenly, he looked at what he was sitting on.  “Hm, that’s odd,” he said, getting back up.  “I’ve never seen a boulder with an ingrown toenail before.”  He pulled on the end of the toenail with all his might, and suddenly it ripped off.  Then, a massive roar sounded from above them, along with chest beating.

This wasn’t a boulder at all.  It was a big toe belonging to none other than the great Donkey Kong!  Needless to say, the ape was quite angry.  Simon tried to run, but the ape grabbed him and brought him up to his face.  The vampire hunter screamed as he was lifted up.  The ape yelled at him.

“I know how you feel,” Simon said dejectedly.  “I’m lonely, too.  Don’t I know you from somewhere?”  D.K. roared at him again.  Simon was now thoughtful.  “Hm.  The princess did say I was an ape-brain.  You wouldn’t by any chance happen to be my. . . mommy?”

The ape yelled, but then his eyes widened, and he sniffed.  “Ooh, ooh,” he muttered.

“Ooh, ooh,” Simon repeated.  “Hold it a sec while I check that in my ape dictionary.”  He reached into his backpack and took out his ape dictionary.  He flipped through this.  “ ‘Ooh, ah’, ‘ooh, ee, ah’; here it is!  ‘Ooh, ooh.’  ‘Me Donkey Kong, you ape-baby.’ ”  He looked up at D.K. happily.  “You mean me, your ape-baby?”  D.K. made a nodding gesture, and then kissed Simon.  “My gosh!  Now I know who I am!  I’m Donkey Kong, Junior!”  He kissed the ape’s mouth, and then hugged him there.  “Donkey Mommy!”  D.K. put his index fingers on Simon’s back, returning the hug, with a sigh.


Later, they were both back at D.K.’s place.  “This is a real nice place you’ve got,” Simon said.  Currently, he was now wearing nothing at all save the goggles on his head and a ridiculous-looking pair of red shorts.  He was sitting next to the humongous ape.  “So now that I’m an ape, what do I do?”

“Oo-hoo, ee-hee, oo-hoo!”

“Ooh, ee, ooh,” Simon said, taking his ape dictionary from his backpack, which was next to him.  “Translation:  ‘You pick my fleas, I’ll pick your fleas.’ ”  He closed the book and looked up at D.K.  “Sounds fair to me.”  He put the book away and then got up.  He entered D.K.’s thick fur of coat, struggled with something inside, and came out with a flea larger than Kid Icarus!  He booted it away.  “Your turn, Mommy!”  D.K. chattered eagerly and grabbed his ‘adoptive son’ in his right hand.  With his left thumb and index finger, the ape pulled on Simon’s hair.  “Ooh!  Uh!  Ah!  Yow!!  Never mind my fleas; I’ll get a flea collar!!”


Later, D.K. was swooping through the jungle vines one by one.  Simon was riding on his right ear.  “I think I’ve got the hang of it, Mommy,” he called into the ape’s ear.  “Let me try!”  The ape landed on the ground.  Then, Simon grabbed a tuft of hair in his hand, and he swung all across D.K.’s head using tufts of hair as vines.  “This is a great way to travel.”

Later, Donkey Kong and Simon were lounging.  D.K. was on the ground, and Simon was leaning back against D.K.’s right arm.  Also beside D.K. was a great bundle of bananas.  The big ape grasped a bunch of bananas and dumped them into his mouth.  “Come on, Mommy,” Simon complained.  “Don’t hog the bananas.  Let me have some!”  Suddenly, he got his wish; he was buried in bunches of bananas.

Finally, at sunset, Donkey Kong and Simon swung to the lip of the volcano.  When D.K. landed, he roared.  When Simon landed, he made a Tarzan-call, but he fell backwards into the volcano!


Later that night, when it was dark, the N Team still had not found Simon.  Kid Icarus had a torch-arrow that they were using for light.  “Oh, it’s no use,” Lana said.  “Simon’s gone!”  Suddenly, the team heard a great snore.

“Wait a minute,” Kevin said.  “Did you hear that?”  He listened to the snoring sound.

“Maybe it’s Simon,” Mega Man said.

“It came from that wayicus,” Kid Icarus said, pointing to his left.

As they continued, though, they saw Donkey Kong sleeping in a huge hammock high up two trees!  “It’s Donkey Kong,” Kevin said.

“And that’s not all!” Mega Man cried.  “Look!”  Floating on a cloud of D.K.’s snoring breath was Simon!  He was propelled high into the sky, and then came back down into D.K.’s mouth, only to be blown back out again.  He was sleeping like a baby.

“Simon!” Lana cried.

“We’ve got to save him before that apicus maximus swallows him,” Kid Icarus said.

Kevin and Mega Man ascended one of the trees and got onto one of the branches that was directly above D.K.’s mouth.  It was low enough that D.K.’s exhalation propelled Simon up to the branch.  “Next time he comes up, grab him,” Kevin said.  When Simon was high enough again, Kevin and Mega Man grabbed him and pulled him onto the branch.

“Uh,” Simon said groggily, but Kevin put his hand over the vampire hunter’s mouth.

“We’ve come to save you from Donkey Kong,” Kevin told Simon quietly.  The three of them descended the tree.

“Simon!” Lana said with relief.  “Oh, am I glad you’re all right!”  Though she found him annoying all the time, she still cared about him.

“I guess I’ve been an ape all along,” Simon said.

“Do you mean you’ve finally remembered that you’re Simon Belmont, vampire hunter?” Kevin asked.

“No!  I mean, I’ve really been an ape all along!  You know?”  He made apish noises.

“I think he’s gone bananas!” Lana cried.

“You guessed it!” Simon replied.  Kevin put his right hand to his head, and Mega Man shrugged.  “I’m Donkey Kong, Junior!  Say hello to my mommy.”

Suddenly, Donkey Kong, now wide awake, stood on the ground, pounded his chest, and roared in fury.  As far as he knew, the N Team was taking his baby away from him.  Suddenly, the N Team bolted for the nearest warp, and Kevin dragged Simon along with them.

“Stop!” Simon cried.  “I belong in the jungle!”

“You belong in a cage maybe,” Kevin said, tempted to laugh, “but not the jungle!”  He and Simon got into the warp just before Donkey Kong could grab them.


The other end of the warp was in a grave the middle of the graveyard in Castlevania. . . where they should have been hours ago, had Simon not gone and lost his memory.  “We’re on Castlevania,” Kevin exclaimed.  But suddenly, they noticed they were surrounded by an army of zombies.

“Yes,” the Count said, “and just in time!”  Simon, Mega Man, and Duke ran outside the circle of zombies.

“It’s the Count,” Lana said.

Kid Icarus attempted to get his bow ready, but a zombie grabbed him first.  “Helpicus!” he cried.

“Kevin, look out!” the princess cried.

“One more step,” Kevin said, “and you guys are going to be cheeseburgers!”  As the zombies advanced, he shot at them, but his shots went through them.  “My Zapper has no effect on ’em!”  He and Lana tried to back away, but they were blocked against some headstones.  “Simon!” he called when a zombie grabbed his arm.  “Vampires and zombies are your gig!  You’ve got to help us!”

“But I’m just an ape!  I don’t know the first thing about zombies!” Simon protested.  Suddenly, one came over to him.  “Yuck!  These guys are disgusting!”

“Now you know the first thing,” Kevin replied.

The zombie grabbed Simon by the neck and shook him.  “All right, you deadbeat,” Simon said, suddenly angry.  He grabbed the zombie’s arms, and the zombie looked frightened.  “You can squeeze me, you can choke me, you can shake me. . . but mess my hair?  No way!!”

Lana laughed.  “That sounds like my Simon!”

Simon gave a Tarzan cry as he beat his chest, and then he took the zombie, twirled it, and threw it at the zombies surrounding the N Team and knocked them over like bowling ball pins.  Then, Simon swung on a vine hanging from a tree and kicked down some zombies surrounding Kid Icarus and Mega Man.  He then swung upside down and knocked out zombies surrounding Kevin and Lana.  Simon landed in front of the Game Master and the ruler of Videoland.  “Way to go, Simon,” Lana said.  Kid Icarus, Mega Man, and Duke ran up to them.

“Turn them into zombies,” the Count instructed immediately, and the remaining zombies advanced once more on the N Team.

“We’re dead meat!” Kevin wailed.

“Not yet,” Simon replied.  Towards the warp, he made apish noises.  Roaring in the jungle, D.K. noticed the warp opening again, and he extended his huge left paw through the warp.  He grabbed the offending zombies, though the Count escaped his grasp, and the ape lifted the rooftop of a crypt and deposited them in there.

“You may have stopped my zombies, Simon Belmont,” the Count said, “but you’ll never stop the Count!”  He transformed into a bat and flew away.  “You can count on it.”  He laughed wickedly whilst flying away.

“Way to go, Belmont,” Kevin said.  “You blew ’em away!”

The N Team gathered around Simon.  “I knew you’d come to your senses, Simon,” Lana said, grasping his left shoulder affectionately.

“But I’m not Simon, and I haven’t come to my senses!” Simon argued.  “I’m going home.”  He ran over to D.K.’s waiting hand.

“Simon, no!” Lana called as Donkey Kong took Simon back to Kongoland.  She ran to get him, but it was too late.  He was gone.


That night, in the jungle, D.K. rested underneath a coconut tree, and Simon was on his left shoulder.  The ape-brained vampire hunter was drinking milk from a coconut through a straw.  When the coconut was empty, he turned to D.K.  “Give me another coconut, will you, Mommy?” he asked.

“Ooh, ooh,” D.K. replied, and hit the tree with his left arm.  A coconut dislodged from the treetop and crashed onto Simon’s head.

“Ow!  Ooh!  Oo!”  He looked around groggily.  “Huh?  Where am I?”  He stood up.  “And what is Simon Belmont, vampire hunter, doing in these ridiculous shorts?”  D.K. kissed him, and when he looked backwards, he freaked out.  “Oh, my gosh!”  He took off, running away from the big ape; but D.K. thought it was merely a game and, after making some ape-sounds, came after him.  “Get away from me, you big ape!  Mad gorilla!  Mad gorilla!  Where’s a warp zone when you really need one?  Help!!”  Of course, it was a long time before he found a warp zone back to the Palace of Power.