Captain N:

Wishful Thinking

Written by Jeffrey Scott

Novelized by David Hartline

“Look out, Simon! He’s making a break for it!” Mega Man cried, standing between Simon and Kid Icarus in the Palace of Power.

“He’s getting ready to shoot!” Simon said.

Towards them ran Kevin, dribbling a basketball, and naturally he was running towards them because they were between him and the basketball hoop.

“Block him, Kid Icarus!” the vampire hunter instructed, and Kid Icarus flew towards Kevin.

However, the Game Master was ready for this. He pressed up on his Power Pad and somersaulted clear over Kid Icarus. “Eat your heart out, Magic Johnson!” Kevin said, dropping the ball through the hoop.

As it bounded away from the hoop, Kid Icarus winged towards it. “I’ve got it!” he exclaimed, but suddenly, the end of Simon’s whip wrapped around the ball and pulled it towards the vampire hunter. “Wha?”

“Let a pro handle this, Kid!” Simon sneered at his own teammate. He swirled the ball around in circles with his whip and let it fly up towards the basket. Kid Icarus tried to get to it in time to push it higher, but he didn’t, and the ball bounced off the end of the basket and fell to the floor in front of Duke.

Duke pushed the ball, but Mega Man ran over and punched the ball into the air. Kid Icarus got into the ball’s flight path to get it. “Get it! Get it!” Mega Man cried, but just as Kid Icarus was about to get the ball, Lana rushed past him and collected it instead, accidentally shoving the archer to the floor.

“Okay; we’re tied twenty-twenty, Princess,” Kevin said. This was indeed what the scoreboard said. Kevin was blocking Simon. “Make this shot, and we win the game!”

Lana grunted as she tossed the ball into the air. It soared to the basket. “Block it!” Simon cried. “Block it!” Kid Icarus got in the ball’s path to try just that, but the ball merely bounced off his head and went through the hoop.

Kevin, Lana, and Duke cheered. “You did it!” Kevin cried. “We won!” He clasped Lana about the waist with his hands and lifted her into the air. Duke stood on his rear legs and put his front left paw on the right side of Kevin’s waist and his right paw on the right side of his master’s right leg.

“Oh! Your world has some really fun games, Kevin!” Lana exclaimed with excitement.

However, Simon was not happy about this, and he let Kid Icarus know it with his angry expression as the archer flew over to him with the ball. “That was really using your head, Kid Icarus,” he said most contemptuously.

Kid Icarus was rubbing his head. “I triedicus,” he said most apologetically.

“Looks like you came up a little short, huh, guys?” Kevin asked, not expecting the archer to take it the way he was about to.

“It’s not my fault I’m so shorticus!” Kid Icarus snapped with exasperation. His temper gone, he booted the ball right over Kevin’s head (fortunately, Kevin ducked) and into a secret warp zone. This warp was like a little bowl in the wall, and above this was painted a snake and a red arrow underneath the snake pointing at the bowl. Angrily, the archer turned and went to sit down beneath the hoop.

“Kid Icarus!” Lana cried.

Almost everyone was concerned, but Duke was curious about where the ball had gone. The dog walked over to the little bowl in the wall and looked in with a curious bark.

The small archer sat there, his head in his hands and his elbows propped on his knees, and felt quite sorry for himself. Lana and the others came over, but they kept their distance. “What’s the matter?” Lana asked gently.

“I can never have fun at games because I’m so small!” Kid Icarus complained. Lana and Kevin looked at each other with great concern.

Duke saw the warp through which the ball had gone, and he jumped through it. He came out in a dreary old tunnel. He saw the ball bounce down the tunnel and down a set of stairs, and he followed it. When it went through a small archway that was only a few inches taller than him when he was on all fours, he paused at the archway and looked around, for he heard a strange buzzing noise, and then he sniffed at the floor. He passed through the archway, and made a noise of curiosity when a bright golden light caught his eyes.

Sitting on a pedestal in the middle of the room was a glowing lamp.

“Wow,” Kevin said with sympathy. “I didn’t know Kid Icarus was so sensitive about his size.”

“It must be tough on the little fella,” Simon said, primping his hair, “not being tall, dark, and handsome like myself.”

“Fortunately,” Lana said, irritated by Simon’s egocentricity, “he’ll never be as conceited either.”

“Oh, there must be something we can do to make him feel mega better!” Mega Man said. Kid Icarus had been one of his best friends ever.

Duke emerged from the warp and came with the lamp’s handle in his teeth. No longer shining goldenly, the lamp was mostly blue and white, with a golden handle and a golden lid-handle, as well as some golden edges. He walked up to Kevin and whined in attempt to get his attention. “Not now, Duke,” Kevin said, focused on Kid Icarus. “We’re busy.”

The dog then walked over to Lana tapped the booted part of her right leg with his left paw as he whined. “Later, Duke!” she exclaimed.

Finally, Duke walked over to Simon and growled while he pawed the vampire hunter’s left leg. “Beat it, will you?” Simon snapped, kicking out his leg slightly. The dog walked away. One look at the sad archer, and he whined and walked away.

With another whine, Duke sat down by the wall, set the lamp down, and scratched himself with his right rear leg. However, his leg brushed against the lamp. Suddenly, he noticed some smoke coming out of the lamp’s steam hole, and he watched intently as it took the shape of a genie above him. He growled as the being materialized. The genie had blue skin, yellow hair, a short yellow beard, and yellow eyebrows. His turban had a couple of deep red panels and a couple of orange panels with a pink top. He wore a golden vest over his white shirt. Below his waist was just smoke reaching down to the lamp. “I am a Power Genie,” he announced to the N Team, who collectively turned to him.

“Huh?” Kevin asked. “Where’d he come from?”

“Whosoever possesses my lamp?” the Power Genie queried. “To him, I shall grant any wish.”

“What lamp?” Simon asked, looking around curiously.

Kid Icarus suddenly looked up with interest. Did the genie say any wish?

Duke barked twice, and suddenly a mouthwatering steak appeared in his mouth!

“Duke?” Kevin said with surprise.

“Where did he get it?” Simon asked.

“Who cares?” Lana said. “With the magic lamp, I could save Videoland.”

“I could be the strongest man in the universe!” Mega Man said.

“I could be even handsomer,” Simon said.

After Duke had polished off the steak, all four of the N Teamsters standing in front of him commanded: “Here, boy!” But he was not about to let them have it! He snatched the lamp and ran out of the room as Lana, Kevin, Simon, and Mega Man pursued him.

“Drop it, Duke!” Kevin commanded, but Duke did not obey. The dog was only stopped when he tripped with a yap on the rug outside the basketball court, and the lamp flew out of his teeth and up into his master’s hands. “Now we’ll see if this thing really works,” Kevin said. “I wish I was unbeatable with my Zapper and Power Pad.”

Kid Icarus was quite interested to see if this would work.

“Your wish is my command,” the genie said. He cast a spell on Kevin, who then tucked the lamp under his left arm and took his Zapper. He twirled his Zapper and then leapt high into the air, somersaulting forwards and coming down. When he landed, he rolled forwards with a laugh into a kneeling position. He aimed upwards and blasted the lights off a chandelier.

“This is way cool!” he cried. He put his arm behind his back and perfectly blasted three trophies. “Hey! I can’t miss!” He then blasted three more trophies, but suddenly he felt something was gone. Something very important. The challenge. “Nah, this is really boring.”

Simon Belmont, however, was not interested in challenge but in getting what he wanted. He stepped over to Kevin and grabbed the lamp before the Game Master had a chance to reverse his own wish. “In that case, I’ll take it!” He held the lamp up to his face. “I wish the princess would fall head over heels for me!” Of course, he didn’t take into account that wishes were granted literally.

“If that’s what you want,” the genie said, casting a spell on Lana. When his spell hit her, hearts popped out of her torso, and she had googly eyes for the vampire hunter.

“Oh, Simon!” she said, entranced by Simon. She held out her arms as if ready to hug him.

“Your Exquisiteness!” he said, partly bowing. She came over to him to take his hand, but suddenly, she tripped over her own feet and fell down in front of him. “Let me help you,” he said as she got up on all fours before him. He took her hand and helped her up.

“Thanks,” she said. However, she almost fell over again. She held onto him to keep herself standing. “ ‘Head over heels’? Nice going, Simon,” she said with exasperation. Suddenly, she did fall backwards, and he fell with her and dropped the lamp, which slid over to an excited Mega Man.

“I wish I was ten times mega stronger than I am now!” the android said enthusiastically, and Kid Icarus was even more enthusiastic to see if this would work.

Unfortunately, as he was unfamiliar with Mega Man’s annoying habit of interjecting ‘mega’ unintentionally into most sentences, the genie interpreted ‘mega’ as the scientific prefix meaning ‘times a million’, and he granted the wish accordingly. “You asked for it,” he said, casting the spell on Mega Man.

The robot was now ten million times stronger, but he couldn’t feel it. “Hm,” he said. “I don’t feel any stronger.” He looked at the lamp with exasperation. “Oh, mega nuts! It didn’t work!” Annoyed, he leapt up and down on the floor, and too late he discovered that the wish had worked. The floor began to crack, and then so did every floor, wall, and ceiling in the entire Palace of Power! Everyone cried out as the center of power in Videoland began literally to fall apart. Mega Man’s little temper would cost Videoland dearly.

The lamp fell out of Mega Man’s hands and landed near Lana. “Oh, this lamp is ruining everything!” she cried. She took it and stood. “I wish we’d never made any wishes.”

“Now there’s a sensible wish,” the Power Genie replied. He cast a spell, and suddenly everything was restored. . . the Palace, Lana’s grace, and all else that had been destroyed due to the wishes.

“Whew! That was close,” Kevin said.

Lana held up the lamp. “Back in the lamp, genie,” she ordered.

“I thought you’d never ask,” the genie said, and he puffed into smoke and re-entered the lamp.

The N Team was, of course, unaware that they were being watched. “This is going into the Palace Vault until we can decide what should be done with it,” Lana told her friends, who did not look too happy with this decision, but due to her position, her word was final. She turned and walked away.

However, Mother Brain was quite delighted to learn about the lamp and its powers. “With that kind of magic at my command, my power would be limitless,” she said. Her wicked desire was so great that no villain had ever possessed it before, and it showed in her face. “I must get my tentacles on that lamp.”

“Aw, what do you want with a stupid old lamp, Mother Brain?” Eggplant Wizard asked ignorantly. “We’ve got plenty of light here on Metroid.”

“Yes,” Mother Brain said, gently wrapping her tentacle around Eggy’s neck, “but we could all use a little more illumination, couldn’t we?” Suddenly, she sent an electrical current through her tentacle and shocked Eggy, who screamed. When she was through, she released him, and he fell backwards. “Now don’t get any more bright ideas, you dimwit! Just get me that magic lamp!!”

“Eh, your wish is our command,” King Hippo said as he grabbed Eggplant Wizard by the cape and dragged him out; but after he had turned, he quietly finished: “Mother Breath.”

Later that evening, as the N Team sleeps. . .

Kid Icarus’s candle cast a long shadow of him against the wall to his left as he walked quietly down a dark corridor to the Palace of Power’s storage hall, which contained the vault. When the door to the storage hall slid open at his approach, he looked back over his shoulder to make sure no one was following, and then he entered the storage hall.

The vault stood against the wall opposite the door. It had a super-strong steel door designed to withstand any attempt to break in. Only Princess Lana’s code and key were supposed to be able to open the vault. Kid Icarus, however, had come prepared. After he set down his candle, he withdrew from his quiver an arrow that had a brown object on its tip. He shot this arrow at the vault’s door and hit the left-hand area of the door. From here, the magical arrow went up, then right, then down, then left, and finally back up, opening a perfect square hole in the door in just the right spots to avoid tripping the alarm. The section of door fell out, and Kid Icarus hopped into the vault and withdrew the magic lamp. When he came back out, he landed on the section of door he had cut out.

“With this lamp, I won’t be a wimpicus anymore,” he said. He rubbed the lamp, and the genie appeared.

“He who holds the lamp is my master,” the genie said, already tired of spouting this spiel. “What is your wish?” Arms crossed, he looked down at Kid Icarus.

“I want to be bigger than the others,” Kid Icarus said. He held out his arms. “Much bigger!” The genie held out his hand and cast the magic wish-granting dust on Kid Icarus. Suddenly, the tiny archer began to grow! As he grew his voice got deeper. “This is fantasticus! I’m even bigger than Simonius!”

“You ain’t seen nothin’ yet,” the genie replied.

And he was right: Kid Icarus was getting too big, and he was continuing to get larger! “Hey! What’s going onicus? That’s big enough! Stop! No moreicus!” He grew so big that his head hit the ceiling and went through to the chamber up above.

Lana awoke suddenly to a rumbling. “Who’s there?” she asked.

Her door opened from the outside, and Simon, Kevin, Mega Man, and Duke came in. “What’s going on in here?” Kevin asked.

Suddenly, a huge bulge formed in the floor, and when it tore away, Kid Icarus’s large head was revealed. He had a very unhappy expression. “Kid Icarus!” Lana cried, running over to him. “Oh, what have you done?”

“I only wanted to be bigger, Your Highnicus,” Kid Icarus replied.

“He must’ve used the lamp,” Kevin said.

“Selfish imp,” Simon said. “He could’ve at least asked me to go with him.”

“I want you to wish yourself back to normal right now,” Lana commanded.

“I can’ticus!” Kid Icarus replied. “I dropped the lamp.”

“We’d better go down and get it,” Kevin said. He and the others ran out of the room. Kid Icarus looked down in dejection, and a tear fell from his left eye.

Downstairs in the same corridor that Kid Icarus had used, a huge tomato formed, and a hole was opened from the inside by King Hippo. He came out, followed by Eggy. “Oh, next time, try using a broccoli warp!” the boxer snapped. He tried to rub off some tomato that had adhered to his left shoulder. “Gaw, these tomatoes are rotten!”

Eggy proceeded towards the storage room. “Sh. The vault is this way,” he said, pointing. King Hippo followed closely as Eggy entered the dark vault. “Ha! There’s no one here.” Suddenly, the veggie ran into Kid Icarus’s foot. Then, King Hippo ran into Eggy, and the boxer fell on his back, and the veggie fell backwards onto him!

“Watch where you’re going!”

“It’s not my fault!” Eggy whined. “Some slob left their shoe on the floor, and they even left their foot in it!” They looked up and saw Kid Icarus towering before them, but he couldn’t see them because his head was through the ceiling.

“Wha?” King Hippo asked.

“Is that you, Your Highnicus?” Kid Icarus asked.

“No,” Eggy said, “it’s, uh—” Suddenly, King Hippo put his fists around Eggy’s neck and choked him just enough to stop the air flow.

“Yes, yes,” King Hippo said in falsetto while Eggy struggled uselessly against him, “it’s Your Highness. . . uh, uh, I mean My Highness. . . I mean it’s me!”

“I think the magic lampicus is under my foot,” the now-huge archer said.

King Hippo jumped up and worked to lift Kid Icarus’s foot. “Quick! Help me lift up his foot!” King Hippo whispered to Eggy.

“Ooh, not me!” Eggy replied. “I hate toe-jam.”

Suddenly, King Hippo popped up and scowled over his shoulder at the stupid sorcerer. “Ooh, I’ll jam this toe down your throat if you don’t get in there and get that lamp!” the boxer snapped in exasperation at the shaking Eggplant Wizard.

When the N Team came in, they were fully dressed, but they were surprised and shocked when they saw Mother Brain’s goons at Kid Icarus’s foot! “Did you find it, Your Highnicus?” Kid Icarus asked.

“Oh, Kid Icarus!” Lana cried. “What are you doing?” King Hippo smiled as Eggy withdrew the lamp from underneath Kid Icarus’s sandal.

Kid Icarus pushed against the ceiling, and his head popped through, and then he saw to his horror that Eggy was holding the lamp! “He’s helping us get the lamp, Your Foolishness,” the sorcerer said. He rubbed the lamp.

After emerging from the lamp, the genie looked down and saw the ugliest little vegetable holding his lamp. He sighed. He’d been controlled by some quite ugly and stupid life forms in his long lifespan, but this one topped them all. “Don’t tell me,” the genie said. “You’re the new master of the lamp.”

“No!” Lana cried. Both she and Kevin were shocked.

“Yes!” Eggy retorted. He was going to have fun. Both he and Hippo had venomous smiles. “And for my first wish, I want you to turn the N Team into the E Team. . . E for ‘eggplants’, that is!”

“Oh, how clever,” the genie replied sarcastically, casting the spell. Kevin, Lana, Simon, Kid Icarus, Duke, and even Mega Man were placed under the Eggplant Curse!

Simon withdrew his mirror and looked at his one-eyed visage. “Yaah!” he cried, unable to bear it. “I’m a vegetable!”

“At least I’ve still got my Zapper,” Kevin said. He took his Zapper and fired at Mother Brain’s lowlifes. Instead of a laser beam, a stream of veggies shot out, but they did the job. Screaming, Eggy dropped the lamp as he was hit backwards into Hippo.

The lamp fell to the floor and slid to a halt at Simon’s ‘feet’. “Try to be more careful, will you?” the genie requested as Simon picked up his lamp. “That’s my home.”

“I wish we were back to normal,” Simon said. Nodding, the genie snapped his fingers. The Eggplant Curse was lifted from all the N Teamsters, but Kid Icarus remained a giant.

“Way to go, Simon!” Lana said.

However, the vain vampire hunter could not leave well enough alone. The bottom of the lamp served as an excellent reflective surface, and Simon was gazing longingly. “And while I’m at it,” he said, “I wish my nose was a little straighter.” So, his nose lengthened to the length of one and a half rulers or more and shoved the lamp out of his hand! “Hey!”

The lamp came to rest at King Hippo’s feet. “Ha!” Hippo laughed.

“Get ’im!” Kevin cried, but King Hippo had already picked up the lamp.

“I wish the N Team was six feet under!” the foolish boxer declared. The genie cast a spell on the whole team, and the next moment, only King Hippo, Eggplant Wizard, and the genie were left. “Ha, ha, ha, ha! I did it!”

But suddenly, they felt tremors beneath them, and Kid Icarus’s head popped through the floor right underneath the two minions! “Ha! You did it, all right,” Lana said. She and the rest of the team had ridden up on Kid Icarus’s shoulder. “You wished us into the Palace Basement!” They got off his shoulder and landed on the floor.

“I’ll take thaticus,” Kid Icarus said as he took the lamp from King Hippo. “I wish these two were back on Metroidicus, where they belongus!”

“I wish I was back where I belong,” the genie said with discontent. But when he cast the spell on the two goons, some of his dust went down to Kid Icarus’s nose, causing the archer to sneeze. He accidentally threw the lamp up, and it landed in Eggy’s hands!

“Got it!” the veggie said just as he and his comrade disappeared.

“Oh, no!” Lana cried. “Kid Icarus wished them back to Metroid. . . with the magic lamp!”

“I didn’t mean it,” Kid Icarus said. “It was an accident.” He put his hands to his face and wept. “I can’t do anything right!”

A few minutes later, Kid Icarus was completely on this floor, leaning back against the wall. He was still unhappy. “Oh! If Mother Brain gets hold of that lamp,” Lana said, “Videoland will be in great danger!”

“It’s all my faulticus,” Kid Icarus said, blaming himself for the whole ordeal. “If I wasn’t so selfish, this never would have happened!”

Kevin looked up at him. “Hey! We all got something for wanting our wishes fulfilled,” he said. He hated that Kid Icarus was beating himself up about this.

“But I got mine,” the archer replied, “and I’m still unhappy to the maximus.” He got up on all fours and crawled to the warp to his homeland, Mount Icarus.

“Kid Icarus, come back!” Lana cried. But Kid Icarus did not listen. He crawled to the appropriate warp and put his hand to it. The warp opened and drew him in.

“We’ve got to go after him!” Mega Man cried.

“He’s big enough to take care of himself for a while,” Lana said. There was a much bigger problem at hand. “We’ve got to get to Metroid and stop Mother Brain!”

Meanwhile, on the sinister world of Metroid. . .

A warp opened in Mother Brain’s control center, and her two goons came out with the goods. “Ha, ha! We got the lamp, Mother Brain,” King Hippo said, indicating the lamp in Eggplant Wizard’s hand.

“I can’t believe it,” Mother Brain said with amazement. “You actually did something right for a change!”

Eggy held up the lamp. “We saw it work, too!” he said. “With this lamp, you’ll be powerful enough to control all of Videoland.”

“Give it to me, garbage-face,” Mother Brain said, extending her tentacle to Eggy. . . but he was just out of reach of her tentacle.

“You can have anything you want!” King Hippo said.

Mother Brain extended her left tentacle, but this too was just centimeters too short. “Give it to me, you pebble-brain!” she snapped.

“You can have infinite wealth!” Eggplant Wizard said.

“Give it to me, you infinite idiot!”

“Uh, you could have infinite power!” King Hippo cried, his eyes lighting up.

But suddenly, he and Eggy realized: “We can have infinite power!”

“GIVE IT TO ME!!” Mother Brain wailed.

“Why should we?” Eggy asked, holding the lamp even farther away form her.

“Yeah!” King Hippo said. “With this lamp, we don’t have to take your abuse anymore.”

“King Hippo’s right! With this lamp, we can abuse you.” Eggplant Wizard rubbed the lamp, and the genie came out.

“Oh, I do hope this is important,” the genie said, quite put out. “I was taking a nap.”

“I wish Mother Brain worked for us now!” Eggy said.

The genie yawned. “Who could ask for better employers?” he asked. He cast the spell on Mother Brain.

“No!” she cried. Suddenly, a black bonnet with white ruffles appeared on top of her face, and a black and white maid’s dress appeared on her below her mouth! Also, a dustpan appeared in her left tentacle and a broom in her right tentacle! She glared at her former lackeys. “When I get my tentacles on you—”

King Hippo took the lamp. “Aw, shut up!” the boxer snapped. “Start sweeping before I wish you were a dog’s breakfast!”

Reluctantly, Mother Maid began sweeping the floor. She knew it wouldn’t be wise to incur these idiots’ wrath, not while they held the lamp.

“Let’s see,” Eggy said, taking the lamp back from Hippo. “What shall I wish for? I know! I wish I was surrounded by gorgeous, juicy tomatoes!”

The genie frowned. “Oh, anything’s better than being surrounded by deeding!” Then, he waved his hands, and two tomatoes appeared on either side of Eggy. They each had two eyes, a mouth, arms, and nice long legs, and they had eyes for Eggplant Wizard. They kissed him, and he smiled. Ah, he was in paradise!

However, King Hippo was not satisfied yet. “Give me that!” he snapped, swiping the lamp from his cohort, who was too happy to care. “I wish I was a real king.”

“Your wish is my command,” the genie said, “O fat master.” He waved his hands, and King Hippo received a large blue crown on his head and a blue fur-lined coat on his body. The crown had vertical gold bands and a gold light bulb at the top. On the back of his coat was a sign that said ‘Kick Me’. Treasure chests appeared before him, chock full of gold. At the other end of the room appeared a table that had a feast prepared for him. He came over to the table and sat down in his royal chair.

“Ha, ha! I’m rich beyond my wildest dreams! Ha, ha!” He took the turkey and began eating it with slovenly table manners. His first bite contained a wingbone. He tossed this over to Mother Maid, who swept it up.

“Every king should have his kingdom,” Eggplant Wizard said, going over to King Hippo. “What do you say we conquer Videoland?”

The genie crossed his arms. “Looks like I’m going to be working overtime. . . again,” he said with dissatisfaction. At times like this, he wondered why he didn’t he join the Power Genie Union when he had the chance.

First, on Castlevania, the genie conjured an eggplant zombie, which terrified the people of the village.

Then, on Kongoland, under Hippo’s direction, the genie created an army of Donkey Kong troops in a large clearing. King Hippo brought down his two fists and then stamped with his left foot, and then he pointed at a village. The D.K. troops saluted him and then marched to decimate the land.

Then, in Baseball World, the genie appeared at home plate with a baseball bat. Eggy was on the pitcher’s mound with an eggplant instead of a ball. He pitched the eggplant, and the genie hit it. It flew up to the spectators, and when one spectator caught it, they all became eggplants!

Far across Videoland, on the world of Mount Icarus. . .

The peaceful world had not been attacked yet by King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard. A young deer drank water from a stream, but suddenly a large shadow came over it, and it looked up in terror. “Don’t be afraidicus, little deer,” Kid Icarus said. However, the deer bolted. Even sadder, Kid Icarus lumbered over to a low house. He sat down upon this, but suddenly the house collapsed.

Enraged, the home’s owner crawled out of the house. “Hey! Go sit on your own homeicus,” but he grew terrified as he looked at Kid Icarus, “you big, big. . . big. . . big. . . GIANT!!” Screaming, he ran away.

“I’m sorry,” Kid Icarus said. He got up and walked over to the coliseum, where he sat down in front of the center seats and covered his face with his hands. “Oh. . . I’ll never be happy!”

“Good afternoonicus,” a calm voice said. Kid Icarus looked around and then down, and he saw a man dressed in robes standing before him.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Fateicus, the philosopher. And what might your trouble be?”

“I thought being small was bad, but being big is worse to the maximus!”

“I see.”

“How come you’re not afraidicus of me?”

“What’s there to be afraidicus of? You don’t look so big to me.”

Kid Icarus stood. “But I’m fifty feet tall!”

“No, you’re fifty feet small. You may look big on the outside, but in here,” Fateicus indicated his own heart, “you’re punius maximus.”

Kid Icarus sat down dejected. “Oh, I’m never going to be big!”

Fateicus scaled Kid Icarus up to his right shoulder. “It’s not size that makes a man big. It’s his self-confidence, and his ability to make things go right.”

“You mean, if I act big, I’m big, even if I’m small?”

“Something like that.”

This little talk had been a great help to the archer. With a smile, he stood up and held Faticus in front of him with his left hand. “Thanks, Fateicus. I what I’ve got to do now in order to be big in here.” He indicated his own heart.

Meanwhile, back on Metroid, the N Team heads for Mother Brain’s lair.

A warp opened in what appeared to be a giant tube on Metroid, and the N Team emerged from this. “You remember the plan?” Kevin asked.

“When we reach Mother Brain’s lair,” Mega Man said, “I’ll mega make a diversion.”

“Simon and I will keep King Hippo and Eggplant Wizard occupied,” Lana continued. Of course, Simon was paying no attention; he was instead observing the tackiness of Mother Brain’s hallways.

“Leaving me to deal with Mother Brain,” Kevin said, “while Duke grabs the magic lamp.” Duke barked in reply. “All right. Let’s do it to it!”

But inside what once was Mother Brain’s lair, things are not going exactly as planned.

Mother Brain was up to her gray cells in work, thanks to her bossy minions. Shoe-shining, ironing, and much more. “Hurry up with my shoes, Mother Maid!” King Hippo commanded, and she did another swipe at his yellow shoe.

“Where’s my sandwich, Mother Maid?” Eggy demanded. He putted a golf ball, and just in time she lifted the flag out of the hole so the ball could fall in.

“All right, all right!” she snapped impatiently. To herself, she continued: “I’ll get you two for this. Metroid is my world.”

“Oh, yeah?” King Hippo said. “Well, not anymore!” He looked up to the genie, who was in a smoky hammock near the ceiling. “Yo, genie! Change this world from Metroid to Hippozoid!”

The genie was less than thrilled. What an unimaginative type of wish. “I thought you’d never ask,” he said. He cast the spell, and Metroid changed shape and color from a gray brain to an orange boxing glove with the word ‘HIPPOZOID’ as a red neon sign above it.

The corridor that the N Team was currently in changed from its normal dull metallic color to bright yellow. There was a yellow bell, and there were several posters for boxing characters. “What’s happening?” Mega Man asked.

“Uh oh,” Lana said. “I think someone just made a wish!” Suddenly, the bell started ringing.

“It’s the fight bell!” King Hippo exclaimed eagerly, arising from his ‘throne’. “There’s someone out there lookin’ for a fight!”

On the monitor, Eggy and Hippo saw the N Team passing through the corridor. “It’s the N Team!” Eggplant Wizard cried.

“If it’s a fight they want, it’s a fight they’ll get,” King Hippo said. He laughed.

The N Team passed by a machine with a mirror and a set of scales. “Hey! A fortune-telling scale!” Simon said. He went over to the scale. “Let’s see what lucky Simon has in store today.” Seconds after he stood on the scale, a slip of paper emerged from the top of the machine near the mirror. He took it and read it. “ ‘You’re a real knock-out.’ Now there’s a smart fortune-teller.” He was surprised when the image in the mirror changed from his to King Hippo’s!

“Thanks!” the boxer said, and then the top of the machine swung open and released a springloaded boxing glove, which hit Simon in the chin and sent him flying with a scream. His back hit the wall, and he slid down and landed on his rear.

“Be careful,” Kevin said with a shrug. “This place is booby-trapped.”

“Don’t worry about me,” Mega Man said. “I can spot a booby-trap a mile away.” Suddenly, a telephone rang, and the android went over to the phone and answered it. “Hello?”

“Hello, booby,” Eggplant Wizard’s voice said. “This is a trap.” Suddenly, a springloaded boxing glove popped out of the phone handle’s transmitter and punched Mega Man in the chin, sending him flying with a scream as well.

Following his nose, Duke sniffed out what appeared to be a fire hydrant, but one of the hose receptacles opened, and another springloaded boxing glove came out and punched the dog in the belly. With a frantic yap, he flew over to his master, who caught him.

Just then, the N Team was transported to one corner of a boxing ring, which rose up into the air. In the middle of the ring was the Eggplant Wizard, and just outside was the genie. King Hippo was standing near the corner opposite the N Team When the ring stopped at the proper height, a microphone came down to the sorcerer. “Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,” the vegetable announced. As he spoke, his voice echoed through the room. He indicated the N Team. “In this corner, weighing in at a total of five hundred thirty-five pounds, the N Team!” He indicated the other corner, and a warp formed in the floor there. A large object completely covered in a red cloth emerged. “And in this corner, weighing at two tons, Metroid’s big mama herself, Mother Brain!” King Hippo removed the cloth and revealed Mother Brain. She had boxing gloves on her tentacles, and blue boxing shorts were on her below her chin. However, she had no wheels.

“I don’t believe this!” Kevin exclaimed, shaking his head. This was utterly ridiculous!

“We can’t box her,” Simon said. “We don’t have any boxing gloves.”

“Coming right up, eh, genie?” Eggy said. He turned to the genie, who nodded. The genie cast the spell on the N Team, and suddenly all of them, including Duke, had large boxing gloves on.

“Big mouth,” Lana said to Simon. The vampire hunter shrugged.

“Remember,” Eggy announced, “no hitting below the feet!” He held up a small bell in his right hand and hit the bell with a hammer in his left. Mother Brain began swinging her boxing gloves with grunts.

“What do I do?” Lana asked, trying to avoid getting hit. “I’ve never boxed before!”

“It’s easy, Your Cuteness,” Simon said with conceit. “Watch me.” He walked up to Mother Brain and dodged her swings. The third time he punched her jar, though, a cracking sound came from his fist. “Just as I thought: she’s got a glass jar. Yaaaow!” Dazed, he fell flat on his back.

Eggy came over to him. “One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten,” Eggy counted swiftly, “you’re out!”

“You can’t do that to my mega buddy!” Mega Man exclaimed. He came swiftly to Mother Brain’s jar and quickly delivered several punches, but nothing happened, and he started panting.

“Are you finished?” Mother Brain asked. Suddenly, she dropped a large boxing glove down onto Mega Man and punched it so that it ran into Lana! It knocked out both the ruler of Videoland and the android.

Eggy came over to the two. “One-two-three-four-five-six-seven-eight-nine-ten,” Eggy counted swiftly, “you’re both out!”

Snarling, Duke came over to Mother Brain, but his rear feet tripped over the huge gloves, and he fell onto his head in front of Mother Brain. She simply moved him out of the way with her left fist.

The last contender, Kevin came up to Mother Brain. “All right, Mother Brain. Let’s see you go ten rounds against my Power Pad!” he challenged. He jumped over her left-hand punch, and came down swiftly to avoid her right-hand punch. Laughing, he continued dodging her punches, until her tentacles had gotten all tied up in a knot!

“Hey!” she cried. “No fair! Untie me!” The other four N Teamsters, now conscious, went over to Kevin.

“We won!” Kevin said, leaping.

“Yeah,” Eggy said. “Give them their trophy, genie!”

“Hm. I can hardly wait,” the genie replied. He cast a spell on the victorious N Team while they held up their arms, and suddenly they were all gold-plated!

Eggy giggled to himself. “The N Team will look great on our bookshelf!” Suddenly, a large shadow came over him. He looked up and saw the huge Kid Icarus towering over him and King Hippo!

“Let go of my friends,” the archer said, “or you’ll be sorry to the maximus!”

“Kid Icarus!” Lana cried. “No! Get away! They’ve got the magic lamp!”

“I don’t care. I’m too big for them to stop me.” He was now thinking, of course, and the word ‘big’ was the key to his plan.

“That’s what you think,” Eggy replied. He rubbed the lamp.

“You rubbed?” the genie asked, coming over to Eggy.

“I wish Kid Icarus was no bigger than a flea,” Eggplant Wizard said, holding his thumb and index finger just millimeters apart.

“The size of your brain, perhaps?” the genie suggested. He cast the spell, and Kid Icarus shrank down to the size of a flea!

Lana gasped. “Kid Icarus!” she cried.

“He’s gone!” Kevin said.

Eggy stepped to the tiny archer. “Ha! You won’t be giving us any more trouble!” He attempted to step on Kid Icarus, but the archer avoided his pseudopod.

“Just as I plannedicus!” Kid Icarus said. “Now I’ll fix them.” He flew up into Eggy’s cape.

“Hey!” Eggy said laughing. “That itches!” Kid Icarus flew unmolested into the spout of the lamp and lit a torch-arrow when he landed.

“Now, I’m in possession of the lamp,” Kid Icarus said, putting his hand to the lamp’s wall.

“Give me that!” King Hippo snapped, snatching the lamp from his partner in crime. “I wish the N Team was gone for good!”

“No!” Kid Icarus cried. “Don’t do thaticus!”

Impatiently, King Hippo looked at the genie. “Well? What are you waiting for? I’m your master, ain’t I?”

“Yes,” the genie replied, “but, uhm, you aren’t the only master.” This was indeed one of the most amusing situations he had found himself in in a long time.

“What?” He shook the lamp, and there was a small sound, as if a tiny pebble were bouncing against the walls inside the lamp.

“Kid Icarus,” Kevin whispered. “He must be inside the lamp!”

When King Hippo stopped jiggling the lamp, Kid Icarus’s head finally stopped going in circles. “I wishicus that Mother Brain and her stooges would go away!” he snapped.

“As you wishicus, O mini-master,” the genie replied, quite happy to grant this.

“I didn’t wish anything!” King Hippo protested. He dropped the lamp, and he and Eggy ran over to Mother Brain as the genie cast his spell. Suddenly, King Hippo’s coat and crown were gone, and Eggy had orange hair on top of his head. Then, Mother Brain’s ‘shorts’ disappeared, and long black hair appeared on top of her face!

“All right, you knuckleheads,” Mother Brain said angrily. “You’re going to pay for what you did to me!”

“We didn’t mean it, Mother Mo!” Eggplant Wizard said.

“Oh! A wise guy, huh?” She bashed them in the heads with her boxing gloves, and when they ran out of the ring, wheels formed on her jar, and she took off after them.

“I wishicus I was back to my good old small size,” Kid Icarus said. The genie restored him to his regular size outside the lamp, and then the archer picked up the lamp. “And I wishicus we were in the Palace, with everything back to normal.”

“Ah,” the genie said, holding up his right index finger. “That’s the first sensible wish I’ve heard all day!” He granted this wish gladly, and the N Team and the genie were all back in the throne room of the Palace of Power.

“You did it! Way to go, Kid!” Kevin cheered.

“I’m proud of you, Kid Icarus,” Lana said. She knelt down to her knees in front of him as he stood on the floor. “You’ve really proved that size isn’t everything.”

“Thank you, Your Highnicus,” Kid Icarus replied. “Now, I need to make one more wish.”

“No, Kid Icarus!” Mega Man exclaimed. “It’s too dangerous!”

“I knowicus. That’s why I wishicus that the lamp would grant no more wishes!”

“Oh, my!” the genie said happily, shrinking in size. “I can hardly believe it!” He came down to Kid Icarus’s size. “Thank you, Kid Icarus! I’ve been granting wishes nine to five for the last ten thousand years. Now, I can take a vacation. I only wish I knew a nice, out of the way spot.”

Kid Icarus bowed. “Your wishicus is my command, O genie,” he replied. “I know a nice, quiet spoticus on Mount Icarus.” He escorted the genie to the warp to Mount Icarus.

“Well, it looks like Kid Icarus has grown quite a bit to me,” Kevin said proudly.

“Yes, he sure has,” Lana said. Duke barked. Including Simon, the whole N Team was certainly proud of the small archer. Kevin and Lana looked at each other.